EAST ORANGE, NJ – The Pez candy company announced its first upgraded dispenser design in decades last week, as the candymaker looks to tap into the immense market of opioid-dependent consumers across the globe.
Starting next month, narcotic lovers can get their fix from the hyperextended neck of their favorite Marvel Comics villian, muppet, or Disney Princess. The spring-loaded candy dispenser had its dimensions altered to specifically accommodate twenty Percocet or Dilaudid tablets.
William Wonkstein, CEO of PEZ, was reached for comment. “Sales of our product have soured (pun intended) over the past few years. Our dispensers do not lend themselves well to dispensing today’s popular chocolate or sour gummy candies. We knew it was a case of our company either adapting or becoming obsolete. Pills are perfect for our dispensers, and after learning that 35% of the developed world’s population take chronic narcotics, it didn’t take a marketing genius for us to decide what to do. We expect huge sales in the U.S., as 65% of Americans are either opioid dependent or outright opioid abusers.”
Pez will market the Marvel villain dispensers to opioid-dependent parents of small children, since the heads of The Joker, Green Goblin, et al will frighten the children away from tampering with them. “The health and safety of our narcotic dependent consumers and their families is our number one concern,” Wonkstein asserted.
Plans for customized Xanax dispensers with the head of Catwoman are reportedly in the works. “What better way to appeal to all those sedative-dependent crazy cat ladies?” Wonkstein winked slyly.
And, when your patient is trying to take their next dose, they can’t accidentally drop all their pills down the sink, which so often happens.
Say it isn’t so
Rob Kent
Lol
I think it’s dangerous kids will think it’s candy.
@johnghughes3 Is this serious? If it is it’s a disaster waiting to happen.
Why would take a candy dispenser and fill it with meds. This is dangerous.
Jerk Shwerni
Easter is coming- just sayin’
lol seriously?
Um this is SATIRE!!!
Ya do know this is SATIRE right?????
Dilaudid!! Ha. Brilliant.
I’m waiting for the diaudem dispenser.
Has to be fabricated
I think this is dumb!!! Kids will think it is candy!
“I was robbed, and all they took was my Pez dispenser.”
Needs to be wider for the Rx label, which doubles capacity, that makes it better!!!
Covered by insurance?
haha!
Keep them away from the little ones.
Bwahaha!!
Omg. This makes me soooo happy!!! Maybe they should make the top a lighter so those anxious COPDers can easily access a lighter AND Xanax!! Jon Paul
You do not believe this is a serious site, do you? LOL!
Craig!
I knew had to be a better to carry those pills around.
CEO “Wonksrein” :)
i love it
there is no end to insanity
Ha! These. Are. Awesome!
Awesome!
Victoria McCausland Ryan Hamelin
Josh Ingram Kristin McKay
Ya sure…..just what they need!
Ruben Celis
LOLz
Kelly Fabian
Haha yep
Paul DeJohn
Kara Bartholomew-Johnson
it’s a joke. Gomer Blog is medical satire.
oh my…my youngest daughter collects Pez dispensers. She has over 100. That makes this even funnier.
Can you think of anything more ridiculous ? and they think children wouldn’t find them intriguing.
A whole new meaning to “Candy Man”! Lol
Aarti Patel Gaurav Ratti
Ha!
Do they gave a fentanyl version?
For sure!! Haha
I am gonna see!! LOL!! Talk about satisfied patients!!
Haha. Maybe you can order them thru staples! Lol
Kristen Clark Trent this is too funny!! Maybe we can carry them in the clinic!!!
Haha Heidi Guinn
But will Medicare cover the additional cost of me having to load it?
Mansoor Jatoi – perfect for ️nights!
Just like the Rockstar song…pop my pills from a pez dispenser!! Gotta have one
Karla Boyd
Want!
Hello Kitty one!
Jenna Strother does your mom have these yet?!!