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WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to improve efficiency and patient satisfaction, a local Veteran’s Affairs (VA) Hospital has announced it will merge with the nearby Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) branch.  VA Hospital Director and Chief Executive Officer, Dr. Jeffery Silver, made the announcement this morning in a statement to the press.

“We’ve been very impressed with the quality of customer service provided by the DMV,” says Dr. Silver.  “They’ve consistently outperformed us in every measurable quality indicator, from average wait times to length of visit.  Their appointment availability and flexibility is something we strive for, and their employees are well-known for their receptive attitude and willingness to help.”

The VA hospital has been plagued with poor patient satisfaction scores, and has tried several methods to improve its perception.  “We tried ignoring the problem,” says Dr. Silver, “but that didn’t seem to help.  We spent years fabricating data to make our scores look better, but still the complaints came in.”  They even hired an efficiency expert to come evaluate their facility, but his recommendations, such as “fire unqualified and unmotivated employees” and “schedule follow-up appointments within the same calendar year” were deemed too outlandish to be taken seriously.

The merger looks to be beneficial for both facilities, as patients can now schedule multiple appointments in the same day.  In just one nine-hour visit, patients will be able to have their blood drawn and renew their vehicle registration.  The merger will also allow for a combination of their websites, so information and forms may now be updated as frequently as every three years.

“We’re so pleased with the merger, that we’re already looking at other opportunities,” says Dr. Silver.  “We’ve reached out to the Post Office and cable companies for possible mergers as well.  There’s always room for improvement!”

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P.E. Coma
Bio: Dr. Phillip E. Coma was first recognized in his field in 1943 by his mentor, Dr. K. Apitz. His place of origin is unknown, though some speculate that he originates from the Neural Crest region of Western Massachusetts. P. E. Coma and his cousins, Clarence L. “Sugar” Toumer and Angie Omaya Lypoma, have dedicated their lives to treating patients with tuberous sclerosis, with whom their family is intimately associated. While P. E. Coma is known by his colleagues for his typically benign demeanor, on occasion he has been known to act aggressively, and he is therefore best described as having “uncertain malignant potential.” P. E. Coma also stains with melanocytic markers, such as Melan-A and HMB-45.