HUNTERSVILLE, NC – Last week, emergency medical crews accepted a new challenge in this suburban North Carolina community.  At the behest of health care administrators who decided that patient satisfaction data collection is “the top priority for our system,” Huntersville EMS units will now deliver and collect patient satisfaction surveys.

ambulanceCrews will run “lights and sirens” both to and from residences of patients recently treated in local hospitals in order to expedite collection and tabulation of the precious data.

Local paramedic Jared Mauldines was reached for comment.  “These are high priority calls; survey delivery trumps a chest pain, and is on par with an unresponsive patient activation.  One of the crew members drives, lights and sirens, to the address of a recently discharged patient given by dispatch.”

“The other crew member prepares the survey itself, affixes it to a clipboard, and checks the office supply kit.  We typically bring in at least 3 BIC ballpoint pens, a fresh can of Wite-Out, and a fully-loaded Swingline stapler.  We assist the patient in any way possible in filling out their survey, including reading and explaining questions if necessary.  When the survey is complete, we give the patient a $20 gift card for Wal-Mart or Target, carefully strap the survey to our stretcher, load up, and roll.”

The city expects a 200% increase in transport times of actual patients, but fully justifies this due to a projected 75% increase in satisfaction survey responses.



  • Show Comments

  • Elizabeth Nielsen

    The beginning of the end.

  • Kelsey Stillwagen


  • Jenni N Dan

    Too damn close to the truth.

  • Precious McDonald

    Kelsey Stillwagen. Thought you would enjoy :)

  • Frank Lenoir

    But then no one would yield the right-of-way to… Oh, never mind.

  • Rachel DeMita

    Hahahahaha I love it!

  • Yamani Gunawardena

    Rachel DeMita. may be Matt could use some EMS help.

  • Steven Crawford

    Consistently clever satirical medical service providers articles.

  • Dana Caines

    Then I guess I’ll just Get Out of Your Emergency Room. lol.

  • Cam Vessels

    Oh satire you are close to becoming our reality…

  • Heather Dowding Tipton

    Darrell Geiger

  • Betsy Rinewalt

    Will Banks

  • Rachel Alexandra Smith

    Nate Lawler

  • Diana Raynes

    Yep, this is what healthcare feels like now!

  • Ron Williams

    This made my day.

  • Monster Mighton

    Lol. Roberta Mighton Pauline Roy Morgan Nicholas D. Morgan Marianne Stevens

  • Christina De los Santos

    Jake De

  • Jim Fix

    This is so funny we just had a ridiculous conversation about our scores yesterday.

  • Malachy Clancy

    Ricardo Gastón

  • Lisa Barber


  • Jason Beddia

    Awesome……shaking my damn head. It’s satire but for how long?

  • Sarah Kohrmann


  • Megan Swindell Shirley

    Rhett Shirley

  • Morton Guthrie

    and the ambulance better get there in 1 minute or there will be fines!

  • Lucian Hornbuckle

    Lauren Smith, that’s funny.

  • Nicole Spence

    Randy Dockery….bahahaha

  • Deb Thomas Hurd

    Jason Beddia :)

  • Joanna Sorenson

    Jacob Sorenson..Lol. Your new job

  • Christy Robbins LeBoeuf
  • Ginny Moullet

    Alex Dennis

  • Kelly Mccormack Vassallo

    Transport and return time is immaterial when we all know the ONLY things that affect pt satisfaction are 1. Quality and quantity of pain meds, ie: dilaudid 4 mg q2h prn and 2. Quality and quantity of food and the thrill of demanding that an RN personally deliver it STAT

  • Lauren Smith

    Lucian Hornbuckle

  • Kelly Summers Koch

    Lol Jamie Kirby Lynch Jessi Johns

  • John Balint

    Steff Schneids

  • Kathleen Lyons O’Bryan

    Wouldn’t surprise me at all.

  • Eileen Left

    Is that a red swingline stapler ?

  • Angela Raczynski

    Don’t give them ideas lol

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