MCDONALDLAND – In sad news today, the Hamburglar, who amused children for years with his antics and unstoppable desire for hamburgers, was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. This is yet another health setback in what has been a progressive downward spiral for the Quarter Pounder connoisseur. He had already suffered a massive stroke in his 30’s from cheeseburger clogged carotids, resulting in a dysarthric speech pattern, repeating “rabble rabble” over and over.
Ironically, the Hamburglar began his career as a crew member at McDonald’s. Unable to earn a living wage despite frequently working double shifts, he eventually quit, but not before developing an insatiable appetite for hamburgers. As his burgeoning kleptomania and hoarding tendencies grew, he resorted to stealing hamburgers with the help of his accomplice, Grimace.
Years of a diet consisting entirely of red “meat” eventually led to severe gastrointestinal issues. His stools became pencil thin and he grew increasingly fatigued. Due to the deadly combination of Mayor McCheese’s (R) refusal of the Obamacare McMedicaid expansion for McDonald Land and his lack of employer based insurance, the Hamburglar was unable to afford to see a doctor and get what could have been a lifesaving colonoscopy. Grimace’s attempts at a do-it-yourself McColonoscopy using a Happy Meal toy flashlight were unsuccessful and messy (pictured below). Ultimately the diagnosis was made on a trip to the ER where a CT scan showed a hamburger shaped mass in the cecum with McMetastases to the liver.
Not taking the diagnosis lying down, the Hamburglar’s wife plans to take legal action against McDonalds. “If there had been a warning on the wrapper that eating hamburgers every day can cause colon cancer, like they have for smoking and lung cancer, then maybe he would have sought a healthier option.” Ronald McDonald Esq., spokesman for the McDonald corporation, released a statement: “Look, we put caloric and nutritional information on our menus. No one forced him to steal hamburgers every day. He could have eaten some of our delicious salad shakers (now with real lettuce!), or some chicken McNuggets…although I am legally bound to tell you that eating too many of those fried balls of pink slime may cause deafness and impotence.”
In a strange twist of fate, German counterpart “Das Weinermeister” was also diagnosed with colon cancer earlier this year, but it was found at stage 1 on a routine screening colonoscopy because in Germany, even thieves have access to basic healthcare. Reached for comment “Das Weinermeister” had this to say: “yah, it’s very sad about Herr Hamburglar. If he lived in any industrialized country other than America, vee vouldn’t be having ziss conversation.”
In light of these tragic diagnoses, Grimace has finally agreed to see a doctor to try to figure out exactly what the heck he is. Friends are holding out hope that he is some sort of discolored lipoma or as some suspect, a taste bud, but if it turns out that he is a tubulovillous adenoma, he may need to get his affairs in order. The Hamburglar’s nemesis, Officer BigMac, was unable to comment because his head is an enormous BigMac and his tongue is a piece of cheese.