NEW YORK, NY – An attending physician of emergency medicine at New York City Hospital recently took her private pharmaceutical company public, making a personal profit of two billion dollars in a single day, as estimated by valuation of her stock holdings.
Five years ago, Dr. Ellie Goodmedicine was awarded FDA approval of a combination drug consisting of ibuprofen and acetaminophen, which she named “Dimaudid.” Dr. Goodmedicine explains: “I was inspired by my patient population. They kept requesting an analgesic that begins with the letter D, and my options were so limited!” Dr. Goodmedicine astutely noted that the majority of patients presenting to the ER with chronic pain exacerbations had not yet attempted self-medication with anti-inflammatories or any analgesic. “It just made sense to give anti-inflammatories a try first, and with the new name, patients weren’t turning it down.”
Non-inferiority studies show Dimaudid to be at least as efficacious as high potency opiates in the treatment of acute exacerbations of chronic pain without apparent pathology in emergency departments, especially in quasi-literate patient populations and when administered by IV push. “This is a wonderful breakthrough in treating pain exacerbations because it doesn’t violate our very important and useful pain contracts!” praises pain management specialist Dr. Loveandtrust.
“An added advantage to ED administration of Dimaudid is it really demonstrates the efficacy of NSAID treatment to our patients, who are given a prescription for a generic anti-inflammatory on discharge,” explains ED administrator Dr. Gatekeeper. However, despite patients’ initial enthusiasm for Dimaudid and excellent pain control reported by patients in the ER, Press Ganey scores from patients given NSAID prescriptions are inexplicably plummeting. A task force at New York City plans to investigate the issue to provide follow-up recommendations.