ANN ARBOR, MI – Capitalizing on their track record in efficient pizza delivery, Domino’s Pizza has recently branched out into the health care arena. Following lengthy negotiations and many pepperoni pizzas, Inspira Health Systems has forged a partnership with the pizza giant to increase efficiency in patient transport.
The hospital’s CEO, Stanley Butts, MBA, told reporters: “After I recovered from my post-pizza coma, we agreed on the same terms that made Domino’s Pizza famous in the 1980’s: patient delivery in less than 20 minutes, or you get a free pizza!”
Domino’s CEO, Chiu E. Crust, added: “I know our competitors in patient transport – they don’t have a sense of urgency, they take smoke breaks, they punch the clock and drag their feet – we know we can deliver!” The double-entendre went over the heads of those attending, who were preoccupied with a new delivery of Hawaiian pizzas with a cheese-filled crust.
The first several weeks proved difficult for the Domino’s delivery staff, who had no experience dealing with patients. Scott Deveney, a pizza deliverer with over 10 years of experience, said: “Patients are totally different from pizzas. It’s just not the same, you know? Like, you have to wait for them and, like, you can’t go really fast to make up lost time.” John Pattendon, another driver-turned-transporter, added: “There is no Waze in the hospital, we have a tough time getting these things delivered on time, and people don’t appreciate how hard it is to do our job. Doctor’s have it easy, just walking around in scrubs and drinking coffee.”
Financial reports after the first 3 months revealed that Inspira saved over $30,000 due to increased efficiency in the radiology and surgery departments. This was offset by an elevation in the average employee’s BMI by 3 points due to the abundance of free pizzas handed out when patients arrived more than 20 minutes late.
“This may be detrimental for our employees, but the bottom line for the hospital is promising,” said CEO Butts. In response, Domino’s CEO Crust started an “avoid the Noid” initiative, based on their successful commercial campaign in the 1990’s. “The Noid was a fictional character, a pizza box demon who would mess up pizzas whilst being delivered. Going with Domino’s would ‘avoid the Noid’ because our cheese contained polymers that stabilized the pie. We are exploring options that will render patients easier to transport, such as a polymer.”