KEARNEY, NE – In what can only described as a sh*tstorm, the family of 84-year-old Edward Dwindles expressed their furor when they found out that patient’s doctor, Dr. Sara Quell at Kind Humanitarian Hospital has stopped the octogenarian’s home dose of pine bark extract.
The decision to discontinue the nutraceutical in the setting of severe sepsis was described as “bone-headed” and “careless medicine” by the family. Dr. Quell apparently should have been aware of the extract’s broad range of benefits to the human body that was proven and advocated by Dr. Oz not on just one but three episodes of his medical show.
Among those are improvements in longevity, diabetes, heart problems, and digestive health. The patient, whose medical records number is 000006, with age < number of hospitalizations, QRS wider than the anion gap, hemoglobin A1c > hemoglobin, and an ear canal more impacted than the rectal canal, was unavailable for comment.
The patient satisfaction survey comment of “…doctor must have gotten their MD from Moron University School of Medicine and did her residency at the Dummy Central Hospital…” was considered to be excessive by some. However, hospital administrator Bill More, whose valiant efforts averted a near assured lawsuit, disagreed. More insisted that the incident clearly illustrates the need for doctors to be more cognizant of family’s special needs and respectful of holistic medicine.
Dr. Quell was last seen frantically researching interactions between the patient’s squid tear elixir and triple pressor regimen.