CHICAGO, IL – After years of having their days ruined by jackwad paramedics and God-complexed ER nurses, opioid addicts everywhere rejoiced today at the availability of a new Narcan reversal agent. NarCANT is the novel new double opioid antagonist-antagonist (DOA2) taking the market by storm.
“That bossy ER nurse wrecked my high for the fourth time this week!” said local turkey sandwich critic Hank Durt as he stormed out of the emergency room. “But today’s gonna be different! I threw my AMA papers on the ground, cussed out every one of them dillholes who ‘saved’ me, and I’m waltzing my happy butt out to meet my buddy for some NarCANT.” Asked whether he thought reversing medicine that made him start breathing again only moments earlier might be a bad idea, Mr. Durt replied “No way brah. You can’t kill Durt!” as he slid into the third-row seat of his friend’s Geo Metro.
NarCANT comes in standard 0.4 mg and 2 mg doses which can be self-administered IV, IM, intranasal, or by proprietary reusable rectal-oral gel applicator.
Local drug dealer Morpheen Jones is thrilled to offer NarCANT to her clients. “I call it my Lights and Sirens package,” brags Jones. “I pair up a good dose of NarCANT with whatever flavor opioid people want. Now my peeps is prepared when meddling friends or family members call 911 or drive ‘em to the ER when they start turning blue.”
And local hospital administrators are giddy over the widespread availability of NarCANT. At Our Lady of Prophet & Loss, CEO Moe Monee commented, “This is a game changer. It used to be every heroin, oxycodone, or carfentanil overdose patient would be given Narcan and go home sober and angry, only to later give a really crappy patient satisfaction survey because we killed their buzz.” CFO Mo Probims took a moment to light a cigar with a burning $1,000 bill and chimed in, “I mean, these patient satisfaction surveys are life and death so I’m real glad there’s a medically-sound treatment for all those poor, vulnerable bonuses involved.”
The FDA has been oddly silent on NarCANT’s explosive popularity. Though the agency did recently issue a condemnatory statement concerning NarCANT’s slogan, “Letting God sort ‘em out since 2016.”
Gomerblog sought insight on the issue from Mr. Durt, who for some reason could not be reached for comment.