ATLANTA, GA—Frustrated that no one is listening to their Covid-19 recommendations, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) announced today that it had no choice but to kick the American public out of its practice. Effective immediately, the CDC has terminated its 74-year relationship with U.S. citizens, citing irreconcilable differences.
“Why should we continue to offer vital, evidence-based recommendations when they just fall on deaf ears?” asked CDC Director Robert Redfield, who added that the preeminent public health institute will soon be relocating to New Zealand, a country that very quickly managed to eradicate the coronavirus. “We believe we’ll find clientele there who’ll actually listen to our sound suggestions.”
“I mean, really, anywhere would be better than here,” Dr. Redfield continued. “We told Americans to wear masks; they claimed masks would kill them. We recommended social distancing; they threw crowded Covid parties where the goal was to be the first to catch the virus! They’re animals—and we don’t want them to be our responsibility anymore.”
In a private letter to Americans, the CDC indicated that its decision was final. However, just like doctors who terminate patients from their practices, the CDC had an obligation to refer Americans to another public health institution. “Don’t worry, America. We’ve searched the world for a qualified replacement, and we’re thrilled to announce that we’ve procured the services of a well-respected organization: the North Korean Public Health Agency, headed by the world-renowned infectious diseases expert, Dr. Kim Jong Un.”
“Whatever,” was the consensus response from U.S. citizens, who were too busy partying inside packed bars to care.
Some commented that CDC leadership has been severely lacking during the Covid pandemic. “I assumed they’d already left the country,” said one local physician.
Still others were quite elated. “Well, I heard from a very reputable source in Pyongyang that there have been zero cases of Covid in North Korea, so sounds like this is a huge upgrade for us!” said an anonymous Twitter user.
At press time, freedom-loving Americans breathed a sigh of relief when the North Korean Public Health Agency informed them that they would not be required to wear drab, suffocating masks. Instead, they were all given bright and shiny new uniforms: orange jumpsuits and chains.