COLUMBIA, SC – “It was bound to happen,” said the Chief of Emergency Medicine, Dr. Sendtu Fleur, “sooner or later, we all knew it was coming.”
The BestEver Hospital emergency department today released a long-awaited announcement, and what they would hope will be a game-changer in the management of the vast majority of emergency room admissions.
“Apparently we’re performing too many TopCats, that’s what we lovingly call CT heads without contrast,” said one ED resident, “but how are we supposed to know if this 40-year-old male with recurrent COPD exacerbation isn’t bleeding into his brain? You have to cover your bases in this day and age. Litigation is a bitch.”
The announcement to place CT scanners at all ED entrances has been met with mixed reactions from the medical community. However, EDs across the nation are calling this ‘a brave, trend-setting and well-timed move.’ When asked for a comment, the ED chief resident had this to say: “I think it’s a great initiative. It saves us a ridiculous amount of man hours that would otherwise be spent debating getting the scan, and then getting it anyway. The hospital is making a ton of cash, even visitors are coming through the ED entrance and we’ve already uncovered a ton of incidentallomas. Ka-chiiing. Not to mention how cool it looks; the kids love going in and out of the scanners. They think they’ll get superpowers if they get enough radiation.”
A discussion with the CEO “Dr.” Em Bi-Yay allowed us to understand his point of view. “You see, it’s a numbers game. The CT scanner is always connected to a power outlet. It’s always on, however its use is limited to being needed. With this initiative, we’re finally utilizing the scanner to its potential. I envision a different kind of scanner at every entrance in the next few years.”
The BestEver Hospital ED is currently the only hospital experimenting with ACTS (Auto-CT Scans), and hopes that others will soon follow suit.