ATLANTA, GA – In a recent press briefing, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention confirmed reports that something has been going around. Constance Bentley, a senior official at the CDC, stated, “We’re not sure what it is, but it’s definitely bad. My cousin’s son was out of school for a week with it.”
News of the thing that’s been going around started surfacing late last week when people began reporting to their neighbors that “a ton” of people have been getting it. Nancy Cartwright, a local mother of three, reported hearing that her friend Sally’s aunt came down with it out of the blue. “I really hope I don’t get it,” Cartwright stated. “It sounds awful, what with the making people feel terrible and all.”
Scientists have been unable to identify what it is, but are certain that it’s “spreading like wildfire.” “We haven’t seen something like this since Akron, Ohio came down with a bad one back in 2013,” reported Bentley. “We’re still not sure what caused it, but people were talking about it for weeks.”
According to epidemiological data, whatever it is affects 100% of somebody that somebody else knows. However, it is unclear if anybody has actually witnessed that thing that everybody has been getting. Despite the mysterious nature of what’s been going around, the subject has dominated small talk in America’s supermarkets, workplace break rooms, and while waiting for the bus.
Bentley acknowledged that the only thing that can prevent getting it is to not speak with people over the age of 50.
