“From the moment I gazed into Andromeda’s perfect eyes, I knew I wanted only the best for her,” says new mom Rochelle Wilson. “Her umbilical cord nourished her from the beginning, selflessly providing life itself. How better to honor this wondrous organ other than by eating it?”
“In deference to our animal ancestors, I chewed off the cord myself,” says Rochelle. Although she considered lotus birth, i.e., leaving the cord and placenta intact after birth until it naturally detaches, Rochelle ultimately settled on a celestial birth.
“Since Andromeda is a constellation, and we hope she will one day be an astronaut, we dried out my placenta, placed it in a high-flying drone and launched it toward space.”
It seemed a natural progression for the Wilsons to eat the stump after she chewed it off.
“It tasted pretty good, maybe a little rubbery,” says Ian, Andromeda’s dad. “Cooking it helps.”
Foodies are now weighing in. Celebrity Chef Jacques Pernod dismisses the idea of the lotus birth as “preposterous.”
“When you allow the umbilical cord to stay attached to the baby and placenta for 6 days, it dries out and has the consistency of wire. You lose the delicious Wharton’s jelly, a substance of gelatinous goodness made largely from mucopolysaccharides.”
Parents and foodies alike are discovering the culinary delights of umbilical cord stump.
With very few calories and a mouthfeel that is strikingly like calamari, the possibilities are endless.
“What I do is fry it up with some bacon and onion and just a little bit of panko breadcrumbs. It makes it so umami,” says Pernod. “If I add a dash of fresh vernix or a drizzle of meconium, it gives it a certain “je ne sais quoi.”
For those who are a little squeamish about eating fresh umbilical cord, there are professional certified umbilical cord encapsulators and qualified herbalists at the ready. For a price, they will put the umbilical cord stump into pill form or even give you a recipe for a smoothie.
The FDA has cautioned breastfeeding mothers from consuming umbilical cord with fava beans and a nice Chianti, since it takes a few weeks for a newborn screen to show whether a baby has G-6-PD deficiency.
Some new moms are dismissive of the warnings.
**Obvious satire just in case anybody thinks this is real. Please don’t eat umbilical cords**