WASHINGTON, DC – Shortly after being sworn in as the nation’s 20th Surgeon General, anesthesiologist Jerome Adams announced that he was going on break. The move took everybody by surprise as the Maryland native and graduate of Indiana University School of Medicine had just arrived to work and hadn’t even intubated the nation yet.
“Thank you for this honor,” announced Adams as he took the podium. “Page me if there are any problems.” Adams then walked out of the press conference. Fortunately, he sent in the CRNA General to watch over the country while he was on break. Nobody knows the CRNA General’s name and reports indicate the person might not have a name and is not expected to be spoken to by anybody. The Surgeon General’s break lasted several hours. When he returned, he quickly looked over the nation’s vital signs prior to settling in for a game of Candy Crush.
Many pundits are questioning Trump’s decision to appoint an anesthesiologist to be the government’s leading voice on health care. Some contend the administration is setting up Adams to be blamed for the growing number of scandals piling up. “Dr. Adams is a fine physician,” announced Vice President Mike Pence. “Whether or not he is to blame for diabetes, shingles, and cancer remains to be seen.”
Adams reports being excited to fill such an important role for the U.S. “I want all Americans to be healthy, but most of all, I want all Americans to go to sleep,” said Adams. “I’d be glad to help,” he added, pulling a 30 cc syringe of propofol from his pocket.
Some of Adams’ goals as Surgeon General were released in a memo and include encouraging the public to wear jackets in chilly environments as well as hanging sheets between you and your neighbors for privacy.