MIAMI, FL – Staff at Miami Medical Center are impressed with the hospital cafeteria’s offerings today, which include the usual stalwarts like the Burnt Bad Burger, the Veggie Vomit Burger, and Meat of Unknown Origin (MUO), but the unanimous standout on this day is the Salmonella Special, which is particularly tasty and bloody.
“Chipotle is the standard bearer when it comes to infected deliciousness, but our cafeteria comes a close second place,” said hospitalist Jericho Smith, who looks forward to replacing his hunger pains with abdominal cramping, bloating, and unbearably frequent diarrhea. “I love when my meats are undercooked and produce are visibly dirty from thirty feet away.”
Today’s Salmonella Special consists of uncooked chicken thighs & legs, raw & runny eggs, and rotting vegetables still laden with dirt, all served lukewarm. The pale pink centers, rancid odor, and rubbery texture are sure to be a hit. To the intestines specifically. The dish comes with an optional side of 3-day-old room temperature rice.
“Health care providers are looking for a change from the pepperoni pizzas and Chick-fil-A sandwiches served at conferences, a different kind of unhealthy,” said cafeteria chef Owen Campy, who wants to remind Gomerblog readers that he does not wash his hands before or after using the bathroom. “They don’t have the time to pack their own lunches each night, which is why we’re here to take care of them.”
Campy wants to remind diners that the Salmonella Special doesn’t come with a side of antibiotics since the meal should be self-limited in mild to moderate cases. “In the event you develop a case of severe Salmonella infection, it’s a good thing you’re already in the hospital. It’s a win-win all around.”
In other news, Campy plans to unveil a modern twist on their world-famous spaghetti with placentaballs next month.