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BOCA RATON, FLORIDA — After a landmark decision by the board of trustees, Madre De Díos Hospital administrator Chlöe Less was granted a lucrative workman’s compensation package for a 0.5 mm paper cut injury sustained as she was thumbing through printed patient satisfaction surveys. “I want to thank the committee for recognizing my pain and suffering after my skin got barely sliced,” said the tearful Chlöe Less at a press conference. “I work hard for our hospital 3 to 4 hours a day, and it’s satisfying to know that my body’s sacrifices are being recognized.”

Madre De Díos Hospitsl staff physician Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram, however, remained far from satisfied by the news. “The committee denied my workman’s comp claim when I suffered a jaw fracture after a patient suffering from altered mental status sucker punched me.”

“And a good friend of mine who is a physical therapist here had her claim for a back injury denied even though she herniated a disc in her spine attempting to transfer a 400 pound patient when the dilapidated Hoyer lift broke,” continued Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram. “This is ridiculous.”

Gomerblog has learned that Chlöe Less, after experiencing a paper cut that didn’t even draw blood, demanded that the staff call a code blue and screamed “the stupid doctors need to do something for once here at this hospital,” according to several witnesses.

“What can I say?” offered hospital administrator extraordinaire Chlöe Less. “The doctors and nurses whine about the alleged ‘toll’ that their night shifts takes on their health, but they are completely clueless about the sacrifices of the office staff. Every day as we thumb through satisfaction survey analysis documents to determine how much money to arbitrarily dock from doctors’ paychecks, we run the risk of death by a thousand paper cuts.”

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