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Failure to adhere to these and other evidence-based rules could lead to fines, imprisonment, or to patients losing their entitlement to high quality emergency medical care. These “science-based” rules apply to vulnerable patients of all diversities: those who are transgender, those with a fetus, and those with severe acute illness are no exception.

“My temperature is normally low, so 98.6 is a fever for meem entrance

“I don’t have chest pain, it’s just a [pressure/tightness/heaviness]”

“My doctor usually gives me an antibiotic to treat [viral disease]”

“I’m spitting up blood”

“I have a high pain tolerance”

“I have multiple complaints”

“It’s in my chart”

“I know my body”
“I must be allergic to [medication] because my [close relative] is allergic”

“I need that medication that starts with a D”

“A good while”

“The flu shot gave me the flu”

“End-stage fibromyalgia”

“My doctor sent me to the ED for [non-indicated test]”

“My kid doesn’t usually complain, so I know he/she’s sick”

“I don’t like doctors”

“I don’t like nurses”

“I don’t like hospitals”

“I don’t like needles”

“I don’t believe in taking medicine”

“I’m just not myself”

“They didn’t do nothing for me”

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  • Milli of Dilli

    After picking up the basics of medicine by watching TV shows, I moved to LA, forged a medical school diploma, and somehow found some success in the late 80’s as an event physician for major Hollywood events. However, it all came crashing down while working the 1990 Grammy awards. While “Girl You Know it’s True” was being played live, a stagehand went into cardiac arrest and I was called upon to help. Unfortunately, as I tried to lip-sync CPR instructions, the speaker on my cassette player stopped working and I was exposed for a fraud. After serving time in prison, I went to medical school and residency and I finished training to become an Emergency Medicine physician. Instead of using this training and knowledge for good, I decided to abuse it to become a professional drug seeker. Armed with advanced medical knowledge, my quest remains to go from ED to ED searching out the drug seeker’s Holy Grail: syringes filled with 1mg of hydromorphone, the so-called “Milli of Dilli.” While I am not drug seeking, I have decided to write medical satire posing as a typical First World emergency physician. My website, with my other satirical articles that did not make it into Gomerblog, can be found at http://www.firstworldem.com and my twitter handle is @firstworldem

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