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PHILADELPHIA, PA – After a month-long stretch on the general medicine service at a large academic hospital, senior resident Alex Perezoso remarked that he was noticeably weaker than when he started.

“At the beginning of the year when I had brand new interns, I had to run around and evaluate every new emergency room admission or night float handoff.  But now that I’ve matched into Cardiology, I can just sit here in the workroom and sip on my Mocha Frappuccino,” he said, slurping at the last bits of whipped cream sitting at the bottom of the venti-sized cup he was balancing on his newly-protuberant belly.

After a grueling six months of actually seeing patients, Alex was now basking in the glory of having functional interns, sub-interns, and medical students.  “I’m not actually sure what he does every morning while we are pre-rounding…” noted his intern Sarah Ligero.  “I’m pretty sure he just reads BuzzFeed articles and tells his med students to read UpToDate instead of asking him questions.”  She briefly glanced at her Fitbit, which had already recorded 10,000 steps before 8:30 AM.

“At this point, I would say he’s a mid-to-mod assist with transfers from the bed to chair,” remarked physical therapist Bryan Buffman.  “I just don’t think he’s safe for home at this point…and he definitely will not tolerate more than 3 hours of therapy a day, so skilled nursing facility it is for his dispo.”  A large crash was heard down the hall as the Hoyer lift fell from the ceiling while transferring Alex to his new bariatric bed.

Social worker Jen Goodhart, looking at the scene from her 3’ x 3’ workroom expressed her concerns for transport.  “There’s no way a standard stretcher is going to cut it.”

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