GREENEVILLE, TN – St. Indignant’s Health Care System has announced a new partnership with the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services to pilot an innovative drive-thru intubation clinic in the parking lot of their main campus. This new service is in accordance with new Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) guidelines for outpatient management of high-acuity patients in areas with limited available ICU resources. The new CDC guidelines also outline fashionable fabric and pattern recommendations for front line providers tasked with cobbling together their own personal personal protective equipment (PPE) for in hospital use (spoiler alert, plaid is out like beards!).
“Whelp, it’s here, well not where I’m at thank Jesus but where the hospital is- and it’s kicking our butts,” CFO Glenn Gilded reported via email from his vacation home in St. Martin when asked about the new initiative. “Frankly, it makes sense. We don’t have any ICU beds and so the patients are probably more comfortable and better isolated in the comfort of their own living rooms than some grimy hallway. Plus, we’d be using less of that sweet, sweet PPE! We’re always thinking about employee safety.”
“We originally intended to include portable ventilators with the service,” Gilded added. “But, turns out we’re reaaaally low on those too. So, we’re including a BVM and multiple ETT extenders in the care package so that patient can use their own thighs to squeeze the bag while they’re chilling on the couch and enjoying their paid vacation from work. They’ll live – and they’ll have shapely thighs on the other side of all of this.”
When asked what these patients should do for sleep, Gilded added “They can show a family member how to do it or something; it’s just squeezing a friggin’ bag every 5 seconds.”
As for a system to manage extubations after the courses of treatment are complete, Gilded offers that hospital administration doesn’t anticipate a significant need. “We’ll stay attuned to the needs of our community and partners in this time of incredible difficulty. If we get funding, maybe we’ll throw something together to get those tubes out, too. In the end, we’ll all get through it. And, we’ll throw a hell of a pizza party when it’s all said and done.”