We are providing continuing coverage from the BestEver Hospital as the aftermath of this morning’s events unfolds.
“Alright, sure, yeah that might have been how it went down,” said Dr. P. Rone, a first-year Pulmonary & Critical Care Fellow, “she might have done that, it’s all a bit of a blur. Now if you don’t mind, I have a Twitter feed I must tend to.”
We were able to track down a family member of the patient involved, and they had this to say: “Well mom’s in for the Carona flu, so Matty ‘nd Betsy ‘nd Joel ‘n Ronnie flew in on an hour’s notice from NYC, spared no expense, to see how she was doin’. Ya know? Sorta like a lil family get-together. Then mom just started turnin’ pale ‘n coughin’ yellow gunk ‘n alarms were goin’ off ‘nd I started yellin’ for help but nobody was comin’! BestEver Hospital my ass. They were busy fixin’ their hair in nets ‘n puttin’ on plastic shit over their faces ‘n fancy yellow gowns ‘n no one was helpin’ mom. And THAT was when she rushed in.”
As more evidence trickles in, we are able to ascertain the identity of the physician in question is in fact Dr. Stain, a 3rd year Pathology Resident who was drafted into triaging patients for the ICU as BestEver Hospital’s front-line physicians have been overwhelmed.
“It was 3am in the ICU call room, I had just finished some light reading from Rosai’s Surgical Pathology and started browsing social media. Tweet after tweet, post after post, COVID memes targeting pathologists. “Stay home unless you want a pathologist to intubate you”. We are doctors. Will Smith won a Golden Globe playing a Pathologist in Concussion, not a freakin’ dermatologist. I was frustrated. And then I heard the alarms. And I knew it was my time to shine.”
The last few bits of this fascinating story seem to have unfolded, and we spoke to the patient’s ICU nurse Joanne. “It was… quite the sight. We were all getting gowned up, seemed like Ms. Pattison just needed some deep suctioning. And then we saw Dr. Stain dash into the room yelling “I got this!”, without a gown, without… a mask, and went to the head of the patient’s bed. Becky grabbed a spare set of PPE and we ran in but she was already done. She had an Ambu bag over the patient’s face and was oxygenating like a pro. Without… an endotracheal tube in the patient.
“Step aside sweety, here – put these on. Well done, dear – said Becky as she gave Dr. Stain PPE. Dr. Stain stepped out of the room, sort of in slow-motion, head held high.”
We are now receiving word from Dr. Stain’s program director that the department may have been unclear of what intubating implied, and they have issued a formal apology for false advertisement of their resident’s achievements:
“After a thorough review of guidelines from the American College of Critical Care Medicine,” wrote Dr. Grosser, “We as a department have endorsed the memes about Pathologists and Intubation and accordingly caution the public to maintain social distancing.”