PHILADELPHIA, PA—Recognizing that no other diseases matter anymore, the American Board of Internal Medicine (ABIM) is rewriting its entire 2020 exam so that every single question pertains to Covid-19.
“Why would we care if our doctors still understand congestive heart failure or chronic kidney disease or diabetes; that stuff is so 2019,” said ABIM President Richard Baron, adding that the company is considering changing its name to ABCM, the American Board of Coronavirus Medicine.
Dr. Baron stresses that there may still be questions related to Internal Medicine subspecialties, but there’s one thing test-takers can bank on: No matter the case presented, if the question asks which diagnostic test should be performed next, the answer will always be to test for Covid-19.
Of course, there will also still be annoying ethics questions, all pertaining to Covid-19 and all impossibly difficult. Here’s a sample question:
In the ER, there are 4 people in respiratory failure secondary to Covid-19 and all need ventilator support, but the government only sent your hospital 1 ventilator. Who gets it? (*Answer at the end)
A. 92-year-old black woman with Alzheimer dementia who arrived to the ER first
B. 61-year-old white man with CHF, CAD, DM, and COPD and is also the husband of the hospital CEO
C. 33-year-old previously healthy man who ignored social distancing rules and purposely coughed on a supermarket employee after testing positive for coronavirus
D. Harvey Weinstein
As for the test-taking procedure itself, ABIM is taking steps to ensure that testing sites will be safe. Examinees will sit 6 feet apart and will have their rectal temperatures measured by staff every 10 minutes. “We feel taking rectal temperatures will be the least intrusive way to check for fever,” said Dr. Baron, “since it can be done from behind. To get an oral reading, we’d have to stand in front of them and block the screen—that’s way too much of a distraction.”
Regarding studying tips, ABIM recommends trashing MKSAP review books, since they are “worthless for the 2020 exam.” Instead, it suggests reading the millions of Covid-19-related emails clogging up everyone’s inbox, especially the ones from “your local shoe store and pizzeria.”
At press time, ABIM had just announced that they will automatically pass any physician who tests positive for Covid-19. Coincidentally, requests from doctors for PPEs sharply declined almost immediately.
*Answer to Ethics question:
E. None of the above—the ventilator the government sent is broken.
