BOUTTE, LA – Bobby Boudreaux’s colonoscopy had to be aborted this morning due to a poor bowel prep, making it impossible to safely perform the procedure according to his gastroenterologist, Dr. Kay Huai.
“I knew the second I performed my digital rectal examination that we were not getting very far. Sure enough, upon inserting the camera, it was all brown everywhere. It’s a shame, because he told the nurses his last bowel movements were clear liquid and it took them an hour to get an IV in him. They finally put one in his right areola. Then we had to duct tape his gluteal folds apart in order to even find his anus.”
Upon being informed of the unsuccessful procedure attempt in the recovery bay, Boudreaux grew incredulous and proceeded to blame Dr. Huai. “I drank that whole damn prep just like it said on the directions! What do you mean you couldn’t get the scope past my butthole??”
According to his girlfriend, Boudreaux had in fact not read any of the instructions, and stopped drinking his prep halfway through a full dinner last night because “it didn’t go well with the meatloaf.”
Boudreaux then proceeded to interrogate his physician from his double-wide stretcher: “Well, why couldn’t you just suck out all the poop? Don’t you have machines for that? Y’all are gonna put me in the hospital if I’m gonna go through this again.”
“Y’all just need to come up with a better prep. I don’t see why none of y’all geniuses are working on that. I had to take the whole day off for this.” Boudreaux is currently on disability due to morbid obesity with a BMI of 57.
After finally being told that he would not be admitted to the hospital to prep for his screening colonoscopy, Boudreaux was seen rolling out of the endoscopy unit at 6 mph on his Hoveround and refilling his Lortab prescription from the pharmacy on the way to the lunch buffet at Golden Corral. He has been rescheduled for tomorrow.
