Reports from a three year long undercover investigation reveal that Pharmagen has been manufacturing dilaudid using a tremendous volume of unicorn tears. The 3,000 year old female pegasys was captured by the pharmaceutical giant in 1987, shortly before dilaudid came onto the market. The research and development team at Pharmagen quickly discovered that the unicorn’s endless supply of captivity-induced tears of despair and hopelessness could be the basis for a powerful and addictive narcotic.
Pharmagen was soon harvesting tears from the mythical creature day and night in order to keep up with overwhelming demand. Patients began showing up in emergency rooms with debilitating and vague abdominal discomfort just so they could get their hands on the unicorn tear-infused painkiller.
“That’s when the horrible side effects of unicorn tears became perfectly clear,” explained Jim Taylor, spokesperson for Pharmagen. “They began to generate intense feelings of misery and anguish affecting all who were within a radius of about 300 feet.
Emergency room personnel were the first to feel the negative effects of being in close proximity to dilaudid, but before long, unicorn tears were being used in a wide range of medications and hospital devices, causing widespread sorrow throughout the medical community. Tears from the winged beast were used to make suppositories, nasogastric tubes, patient call buttons, pagers, EMRs, neurosurgeons, and charge nurses.
When asked if they plan to stop using unicorn tears in their medications, Pharmagen announced that the unicorn was now “free-range” and that they were now harvesting tears of joy. Unfortunately, early reports suggest the free range tears may be responsible for the anti-vaccination movement.
