CHICAGO, IL – Due to a recent study that has shown how the simple act of taking anticoagulant medications increases one’s fall risk, and due to be inundated with “Is Mr. X clear from YOUR standpoint to start Coumadin?” consults, the American Association of Neurological Surgeons now requires all patients to complete the Coumadin Gauntlet.
“We needed something hard and objective to determine if it would be reasonably safe for a wobbly grandma to essentially take rat poison to thin her blood to Kool-Aid, ‘cause you know, A-fib,” said Dr. Headbleed, AANS president. “Also, the geriatric craniotomy rate has been skyrocketing.”
Stations of the Coumadin Gauntlet:
Walk your shin-height dog “Peaches” down some icy steps with 30 mile-per-hour wind and a redundant leash.
Make yourself sundown and then try to use the bathroom in the middle of the night without turning any lights on.
Drive without your seat belt either on a loose gravel road or on black ice depending on the season.
Again, with the lights off. Go to the basement to look for something. It doesn’t matter what. The stairs should be kind of slick though and no one should be home.
Clean your gutters alone. No ladder stabilization allowed.
On a random night, one AANS intern will sneak into your house and spray Pam cooking spray on your kitchen linoleum. You must successfully obtain a ham sandwich from the fridge, eat it, and make it back to bed.
Take a blindfolded walk through the home obstacle course simulator of various ottomans, coffee tables, night stands, friendly cats, and small children.
If you succeed with the above, you will face off on a balance beam against another victor American Gladiator style. The winner claims the coveted “Couma-win” and begins their therapy and is forever protected against strokes while demonstrating sure-footedness sufficient to avoid a subdural hematoma and craniotomy.
Losers join the “1.0 club” and are forced to shamefully parade around with their normal INRs.
