GASTONIA, NC – Following an all-too-familiar recent theme, a new patient was assaulted last week by a psychotic spider rampaging through the South.
Earl Wayne Thompson, 31, presented to Our Lady of Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Hospital last Monday with a red, tender, fluctuant area on the anterior forearm. He reported that a large, furry arachnid quickly climbed onto his left arm the previous evening, and before he could react, the creature sunk its fangs into him.
He was able to knock the spider away, but unable to capture it. Thompson, who was released from the county jail a month ago after serving a sentence on illegal drug possession, was merely “minding my own business” when the surprise attack occurred.
This is the 94th reported spider attack to the antecubital fossa in Gaston County this month. The alleged assailant is believed to be “Cujo,” a wolf spider who was captured in Tennessee last spring, but escaped after chewing through the wire screen used to contain him. Cujo was interviewed by local and state authorities in Tennessee prior to his escape. Recordings of the interview were made public, and by slowing the digital playback, his high-pitched speech becomes intelligible. The interview uncovers the chilling motives behind his reign of terror.
“I like the anterior elbow region since there are lots of delicious blood vessels there,” he sneered in a thick Romanian accent while gently twisting his tiny handlebar mustache between his furry pedipalps. “I have learned how to creep up the hand and arm so softly that the victim doesn’t notice me until it is too late. I prefer the blood of males aged 20-45 who have done jail time and have allergies to NSAIDs. NSAIDs impart a strange flavor to the blood. I have also found that, for some reason, the blood of victims with tiny, pinpoint pupils is much more rich and tasty.”
Federal and state authorities recommend caution if a spider resembling Cujo is spotted. “It would be best not to approach him,” said Officer Larry Wilson with the NC State Police. “Instead, call Animal Control and provide your location.” Wilson went on to explain that Animal Control officials are now being equipped with ACE bandages to wrap their elbows prior to attempting an arrest of Cujo.
This same spider startles people while they are in the bathroom, causing them to drop their narcs and benzos in the toilet.
Megan this one is my fave article bahaha
Scary fact. But very true.
Steven Kent… Because term 1.
as a real pain patient I will run the on ground medical team. My two part plan includes a ball pen hammer and a sock
That’s hilarious. Angela Pellegrini you’ll get a laugh out of this.
Damn those spiders! And biting I’m such a painful, visible area!
hahaha it’s amazing how many people–lay person or not–take offense to a lotta these type of stories….you’d think it’d be apparent, right? :P
The patient mentioned a few comments back who had the spider bite one antecubital fossa and then jump to the other has to be my favorite. That’s almost as good as “I’m allergic to 25 mg of Demerol, but 50 mg works well for me.”
The patient mentioned a few comments back who had the spider bite one antecubital fossa and then jump to the other has to be my favorite. That’s almost as good as “I’m allergic to 25 mg of Demerol, but 50 mg works well for me.”
I thought I read somewhere that this unusual spider also liked drug abusers but I might be mistaken.
This is freaking hysterical ?
Too funny. Katrina Williams Jennifer Bloomingkemper
Too funny. Katrina Williams Jennifer Bloomingkemper
Too funny. Katrina Williams Jennifer Bloomingkemper
I love this
I love this
I love this
Hilarious!
Hilarious….lol
I used to say it was a gang of marauding spiders
I hear they carry Hep C too!
OMG this has happened to me. Nurses as a matter of fact taking these stories personally as the truth, especially the Refreshments & Narcotics !!!
Also the silver tip spider is equally as dangerous and sneaky
Hilarious!!!!
Jake Ho nails it again! We should all exercise extreme caution when dealing with this maniacal creature. Also startling is his predilection for striking the same victim multiple times.
The poor brown recluse get blamed for more ills of society than any other creature yet he is never found at the scene of the crime.
Why? He’s a recluse after all
So classic.
I have treated bilateral anti-cubital fossa “spider bites.” The guy had the damnedest story for how this happened. He went into elaborate detail of how the spider started on one arm and jumped onto the other one, biting him there also. I had actually heard this crazy story in sign-out. But, I asked the patient “What happened?” Just to hear it from him. Ha ha
“NSAIDS impart a strange flavor in the blood!” So much gold in that statement. That “meth-cluse” spider strikes again! Lmbo!
Hahahahaha
Omg… I’m laughing so hard I’m crying!! :’D
Having lived in Gaston County NC, I just want to say it is so super appropriate that this story is datelined from there :D
Brooke Woods Shannon Wilson Jacob Stephen
oh too funny!
Aww, Cujo! Say it isn’t so!
LMAO…our lady of RSD hospital!!!
Angie!!
Molly Lacy
Marquess Mary
Lol
Cujo has been known to leave hesitation tracks before actually biting, perhaps even on the other arm.
Kea Crandall Rochelle Ohman Wolfe- the dread deering spider strikes again!
bahahahaaaaaa
Tiffany
Lol..so funny
I love this site, but hesitate to share it as a few of my friends might think its real.