Intergalactic Health Council Recommends Galaxies Stay at Least 6 Million Light-Years Apart
THE GALAXY OF ANDROMEDA - The nearby galaxy of Andromeda has been watching with bated breath as novel coronavirus rapidly spreads around planet Earth....
FDA Rejects Rapid COVID-19 Test in Favor of Slow-as-Balls One
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has rejected the first rapid COVID-19 test that could produce results with an hour in...
FDA Studying Bicarb in Treatment of Coronavirus
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Desperate times call for desperate measures. Numerous drugs are being studied in the treatment of novel coronavirus, but the Food...
COVID-19 Study: Bandanas Superior to N95s, Surgical Masks for PPE
BOSTON, MA - Good news, healthcare workers: A study published in the New England Journal of PPE has found that bandanas are superior to...
How to Properly Obtain A Nasopharyngeal Swab Specimen
We are more than 6 months into the pandemic caused by novel coronavirus Covid-19. Let us review how to appropriately obtain a nasopharyngeal...
Dr. Fauci Implores We All Watch Bob Ross on Infinite Loop Immediately
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Addressing a restless and concerned American public over COVID-19, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious...
Preserve Toilet Paper: CDC Strongly Recommends Against Defecation
ATLANTA, GA - The Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) has updated its COVID-19 guidelines, stating it recommends strongly against defecation, this in...
COVID-19: New 10-Foot Stethoscope Allows Exam from Safe Distance
MAPLEWOOD, MN - 3M has announced plans to ramp up production of a new Littmann COVID-19 stethoscope specially designed with 10 feet of tubing...
Bronx Tiger Tests Positive for COVID19; Tampa Tigers Test Positive for Carole Baskin’s 2nd...
"Doc Antle has told me numerous times that there is no identifiable trace on a tiger days after they’ve eaten a ground up human, let alone 19 years and 325 days after! Its laughable, the whole thing really is.”
Aliens Postpone Earth Invasion Due to Coronavirus Concerns
INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION - Due to justified concerns about their own immune systems, an alien race has decided to postpone their plans for a...