Match Day! Med Students Find Out Where They’ll Be Ruling-Out COVID-19 on July 1st
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Though Match Day celebrations have been canceled nationwide, that won't stop fourth-year medical students from experiencing the shear joy of finding...
FDA Rejects Rapid COVID-19 Test in Favor of Slow-as-Balls One
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has rejected the first rapid COVID-19 test that could produce results with an hour in...
COVID-19: ACGME Redeploys Interns to Check on Healthcare Workers’ Parents
CHICAGO, IL - The Accreditation Council for Graduate Medical Education (ACGME) announced that interns will no longer see patients not only to preserve personal...
Intergalactic Health Council Recommends Galaxies Stay at Least 6 Million Light-Years Apart
THE GALAXY OF ANDROMEDA - The nearby galaxy of Andromeda has been watching with bated breath as novel coronavirus rapidly spreads around planet Earth....
COVID-19 Update: Orthopods Suspend Bro Hugs for 60 Days
NEW YORK, NY - First, Italy went on lockdown. Then March Madness was canceled; the NBA and NHL suspended their seasons. Now...
COVID-19: Derm Braces for Surge in Dry, Cracked Hands
SEATTLE, WA - As a result of a marked uptick in handwashing by the American public in response to pandemic coronavirus, dermatologists across the...
Nation Washes Hands for the First Time
NASHVILLE, TN - The coronavirus from Wuhan, China is a global pandemic. People are terrified. Hoarding toilet paper, cleaning out grocery stores, and now...
In Last-Ditch Effort, Federal Reserve Gives Crashing U.S. Stocks 1 Amp of Bicarb
NEW YORK, NY - In a truly last-ditch effort to prevent U.S. stocks from crashing, the Federal Reserve Bank of New York has asked...
Major Setback! Scientists Haven’t Worked on Vaccine, Just Been Looking at COVID-19 Memes
ATLANTA, GA - At the CDC the nation has accumulated the world top-notch scientists to work on a Coronavirus Vaccine. After 2 months of...
Nation’s Chiropractors, Homeopaths, Naturopaths Notably Absent During Actual Health Crisis
New York, NY- The Coronavirus continues to wreak havoc across New York City with well over 200,000 infected and 11,000 deaths so far.
NYC hospitals,...