Internal Medicine

Report: Essential Hypertension, Not at All Essential

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PITTSBURGH, PA - Scientists discovered Wednesday that essential hypertension is not at all essential for life.  "We were totally wrong when we discovered hypertension,"...
smart phone medical app

New Smartphone EMR Technology Allows Up To 120 Office Visits Per Hour

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Primary care medicine got a lot faster last month when AutoDoc Technologies rolled out its newest diagnostic/EMR system, expected to allow physicians to see...
doctor notes DVT PE

Hospital Gets Rid of Patients, Doctors to Spend 100% of Time Writing Notes

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State Hospital Medical Center has made headlines across the nation today by shutting its doors to human patients.  Physicians will now spend 100% of...
doctors and nurses rate patients

Medicare to Use Physician and Nurse Surveys to Rate Patients for Compensation

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WASHINGTON, DC - Medicare announced groundbreaking plans to use physician and nurse surveys to rate their patients by 2017 as a measure to set “individualized”...
CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline, scabies

Wow, That’s Bold: CDC Says ‘Zero People’ Will Catch the Flu This Year

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ATLANTA, GA - Exuding tremendous confidence, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has announced that it plans on pitching a no-hitter this...
Flonass

Flonass: Flonase’s Sister Spray for Anal Sniffles

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LONDON, ENGLAND - When the season's change - either from winter to spring or from summer to fall - we often focus on runny...

Physical Exam Tips: The Lungs

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Examining one lung is hard enough, but two of them??!!  TWO??!!  UGHHHHH!!  This is so much work!  If you only have the stamina to...
CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline, scabies

CDC Advises Robert De Niro To Be Sent To Jail Until Deemed Safe

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ATLANTA, GA - Last week Robert De Niro pushed for the Andrew Wakefield (yes, that Wakefield) film Vaxxed to be screened.  "We need to have the...
gummy bears

Gummy Metformin Hits Shelves

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PITTSBURGH, PA - A gummy candy form of the popular diabetes medication metformin hit the shelves last month and the entire medical community is...
wearing scrubs to restaurant

Local Restaurant with Serious Health Violations, Owner Cites Pandering to Scrub-Wearing Customers as Cause

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While there are some toolbags that still think it is cool to wear scrubs in public, one restaurant owner claims it may cause his...