Staying True to Their Identity, Chipotle Launches New Foodborne-Illness Menu
DENVER, CO - Chipotle admittedly had a rough 2016 but was surprised to see its customers stay loyal to the brand. Realizing they can...
Chipotle States Burritos Made with Responsibly Raised E. Coli
SEATTLE, WA - After shutting down 43 locations in the states of Washington and Oregon due to dozens of people being hospitalized for infections by...
Surgeon General to Reverse Opioid Epidemic with Whopping Dose of Narcan
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Acting Surgeon General Sylvia Trent-Adams has unveiled a new strategy against the nation's opioid epidemic, and it simply involves giving the...
Nurses Excited to Make Their Own PPE
A national shortage of personal protective equipment or PPE is forcing nurses to get creative.
"I'm so happy to live in a country where supplies...
Traffic Not Only Causes Stress, It Causes Syphilis Too
STUCK IN THE MIDDLE LANE (STILL), INTERSTATE 85 SOUTH, ATLANTA, GA - Traffic jams are modern transit’s strokes. At rush hour or any hour in...
CDC Confirms ‘Something Going Around’
ATLANTA, GA – In a recent press briefing, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention confirmed reports that something has been going around. Constance Bentley,...
Captive Breeding to Stave Off Dwindling Population of Nice Patients
WASHINGTON, D.C. - With nice patients finally placed on the endangered species list, conservationists have been tasked with trying increase the population of nice...
CDC Recommends Against All Human Interaction
ATLANTA, GA - Citing people as a major cause of epidemics, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) hopes to eliminate infections once and...
Big Pharma Admits They’re Just Trying to Kill Everybody with Vaccines
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In what is being hailed as a huge victory for the anti-vaccine movement, Big Pharma announced to the world today that they've...
Ben Carson: Heart Attack Victims Could Have Survived If They Cathed Own Coronaries
DETROIT, MI - According to retired neurosurgeon and presidential hopeful Ben Carson, patients who have died due to acute myocardial infarctions or “heart attacks”...