Government to Mandate Scale-Operated Doors at All American Buffet Restaurants
WASHINGTON, DC - At the urging of First Lady Michelle Obama, the POTUS has issued an executive order aimed at curtailing the staggering rates...
CDC Predicts 2019 New Year’s Resolution Noncompliance Rate of 100%
ATLANTA, GA - First, the Centers of Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) wants to wish everyone a Happy and Healthy New Year before it...
Hospital’s Electronic Health Record to Be Replaced by New, Efficient ‘Paper Chart’ System
NEW YORK, NY – Citing slow load times, confusing menu structure, and overall frustration with the user interface, St. Barnaby’s Hospital has announced that the...
To Combat Obesity, CDC Says Everyone Drop Down & Do a Billion Sit-Ups Right...
ATLANTA, GA - In a novel approach to help combat the obesity epidemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) says that everyone...
Local EKG Tech Reassigned Due to Voluptuous Breasts
MIAMI, FL – EKG tech Candi Jacobs has been working at Mercy Hospital for two years. She was recently reassigned; hospital administration stated the...
Definition of ‘Idiopathic’ Leaked, Millions of Patients Outraged
UNKNOWN, USA - Waiting rooms have seen record numbers of infuriated patients this week, after one patient stumbled across "idiopathic" in the dictionary. The patient,...
Scientists Perfect the No-Wipe Poop
BLOOMINGTON, IL – Scientists at Fermi-Labs have discovered something more remarkable and useful to the human race than the God Particle: no-wipe poops. Dan...
Big Pharma Admits They’re Just Trying to Kill Everybody with Vaccines
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In what is being hailed as a huge victory for the anti-vaccine movement, Big Pharma announced to the world today that they've...
Amidst Obesity Epidemic, Task Force Creates Glasgow Food Coma Scale
ATLANTA, GA - In response to the public health crisis of food comas resulting from the ongoing obesity epidemic, the 3N Joint Task Force,...
COVID-19: CDC Says “We’re Totally Effed” in a Zombie Apocalypse
ATLANTA, GA - The Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) says they're not trying to be curt but if we can't deal with...