polar vortex

Breaking: Polar Vortex Blamed on Subzero OR Temperatures

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SILVER SPRING, MD - Begging surgeons to keep operating room doors closed as much as possible, the National Weather Service (NWS) has cited the...
nutritionist

Nutritionist Confronts Arch Nemesis, The Malnutritionist

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ATLANTA, GA - Things are tense this morning at Tostitos Medical Center (TMC) as clinical nutritionist and protagonist Alice Dash just ran into her...
P90X Kegel

Product Review: P90X Kegel Edition for Urinary Incontinence

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Pros / Tony Horton's new P90X Kegel program can transform your pelvic floor muscles from flab to fab in just 90 days, curing incontinence...
CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline, scabies

New CDC Recommendation: Ignore Patients with Pain > 4

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ATLANTA, GA - The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has issued a new recommendation on the heels of March's "CDC Guideline for...

Nursing Home STDs on the Rise, and I Just Threw Up a Little in...

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ATHENS, GA - "Simply disgusting," was one man’s response to hearing about nursing home sexually-transmitted diseases (STDs) on the rise.  "A little warning, next...
Black & Blue Friday

ACEP Renames Black Friday ‘Black & Blue Friday’

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IRVING, TX - Recognizing Black Friday not as the first day of the holiday shopping season but as a day to "kill each other...
Salmonella Special

Cafeteria’s Salmonella Special Particularly Tasty Today

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MIAMI, FL - Staff at Miami Medical Center are impressed with the hospital cafeteria's offerings today, which include the usual stalwarts like the Burnt...
squirrel squirrels CDC

CDC Memo to Squirrels: Stop Darting in Front of Cars at Last Possible Second

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ATLANTA, GA - Has this ever happened to you: You're driving down a quiet side street when out of nowhere a squirrel darts at...

FDA Rejects Rapid COVID-19 Test in Favor of Slow-as-Balls One

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has rejected the first rapid COVID-19 test that could produce results with an hour in...
wheelchair

Surgeon Takes Clinic Patient Home to Avoid 30-Day Readmission

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BOSTON, MA - Dr. Johnny NoSleep, a local vascular surgeon, was sailing his way through his Friday afternoon post-op clinic until he was derailed...