hand washing

IDSA Releases New Recommendations: Handwashing is Bullsh*t

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ARLINGTON, VA - The world of medicine has been rocked early this morning with the release of new recommendations by the Infectious Diseases Society...

Study: ‘Brilliant Butthole Sign’ Diagnostic of TP Hoarding

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BOSTON, MA - Clinicians, be alert: A new study in the New England Journal of Coronavirus has found that a physical exam finding known...

Breaking: VA Pick Ronny Jackson Withdraws from Both Nomination, Opioids

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - Citing the "baseless and anonymous attacks on my character" as well as intractable abdominal cramps, lacrimation, and rhinorrhea, White House physician Rear...

COVID-19: U.S. Surgeon General Caught Hoarding All of Nation’s Masks

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - Just two weeks after he wisely tweeted "Serious people- STOP BUYING MASKS!" in an effort to prevent a shortage of masks...
Chipotle foodborne-illness menu

Staying True to Their Identity, Chipotle Launches New Foodborne-Illness Menu

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DENVER, CO - Chipotle admittedly had a rough 2016 but was surprised to see its customers stay loyal to the brand.  Realizing they can...

Fourthhand Smoke Leading Cause of Respiratory Illness in Munchausen Patients

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NEW YORK, NY - The Association for Self-Diagnosis, affiliated with numerous major medical schools, has identified fourthhand smoke as a new threat to the...

FDA Approves of the Administration of Food & Drugs

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - Citing numerous benefits such as satiating hunger, prolonging life, and treating diseases, the Food & Drug Administration (FDA) unanimously approved of...
CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline, scabies

To Reduce Carbon Dioxide, CDC Recommends Against Exhalation

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ATLANTA, GA - In an effort to help reduce atmospheric carbon dioxide (CO2) levels, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) has issued...
brain biopsy

FIFA Requiring “Soccer Biter” to Have Brain Biopsy to Look for Rabies

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BRAZIL - In a stunning announcement today, FIFA officials will require Luis Suarez, the Uruguayan soccer player who bit Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini in the...
squirrel squirrels CDC

CDC Memo to Squirrels: Stop Darting in Front of Cars at Last Possible Second

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ATLANTA, GA - Has this ever happened to you: You're driving down a quiet side street when out of nowhere a squirrel darts at...