CDC: Test Kits Are Low, Critically Ill & Famous People Only
ATLANTA, GA - The CDC released new guidelines today to to help ration COVID-19 testing kits. They now ask to refrain from testing for...
IDSA Recommends Washing Hands Before & After Washing Hands
ARLINGTON, VA - Citing it as the best intervention to prevent the spread of infections in the health care setting, the Infectious Diseases Society...
Aliens Postpone Earth Invasion Due to Coronavirus Concerns
INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION - Due to justified concerns about their own immune systems, an alien race has decided to postpone their plans for a...
Placebo Gene Discovered, Thousands of Studies Invalid
CLEVELAND, OH – In what many are describing as the biggest biology discovery since DNA’s double helix, researchers have discovered the placebo gene.
A team...
Mob Boss Agrees to Shoot Man in Kneecaps Before Weekend
CHICAGO, IL - "I swore off horse races for 10 years, but I relapsed," Sam Hemsworth told us from his wheelchair. "Before I knew...
Hospice Agencies Pioneering a Different Approach to the Decidedly Unglamorous Process of Dying
“Our clients customize their own End of Living Plans down to the finest details,” mused company spokesperson Delilah Banerjee. “Their final months, days, and...
Surgeon General Turfs Public Health to Hospitalist General
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Citing the complex medical comorbidity of our country's citizens, Surgeon General Jerome Adams has turfed the public health to Hospitalist General...
Cafeteria’s Salmonella Special Particularly Tasty Today
MIAMI, FL - Staff at Miami Medical Center are impressed with the hospital cafeteria's offerings today, which include the usual stalwarts like the Burnt...
CDC Recommends Against Licking Eyeballs
ATLANTA, GA - Say it isn't so! The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has just announced that it cannot and will not...
Cinnabon Creates New Insulin Rolls: Insulinabons
SEATTLE, WA - American purveyor of cinnamon rolls and diabetes, Cinnabon has announced a new tactic to combat the obesity epidemic, not by changing...