Breaking: Hurricane JCAHO to Obliterate All Open Beverage Containers in Its Path
CAPE VERDE - The National Hurricane Center has detected the most powerful hurricane just yet. Named Hurricane JCAHO, the projected Category 5 Cape Verde...
Treadmill Drama: A**Hole Virtual Runner Won’t Move Out of the Way
BIRMINGHAM, AL - With a rare opportunity to exercise, third-year surgical resident Jason Mann's excitement to go running on his apartment complex treadmill this...
New Narcan Reversal Agent, NarCANT, Hits the Market
CHICAGO, IL - After years of having their days ruined by jackwad paramedics and God-complexed ER nurses, opioid addicts everywhere rejoiced today at the...
CDC Issues Strong Recommendation to “Lick a Stranger” to Combat COVID-19
ATLANTA, GA - The Centers’ for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has issued an unprecedented late-breaking public announcement on the novel COVID-19 coronavirus outbreak:
COVID-19 is a...
Chewbacca’s Pain Score Was Really Only a 2
IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY... - After being wounded in battle, Chewbacca was given the best medical treatment on the Resistance medical freighter....
Breaking: Nice Patients Added to Endangered Species List
WASHINGTON, DC - In a move suggesting they are likely to become extinct unless something more is done to save them for future generations, the...
CDC Advises Robert De Niro To Be Sent To Jail Until Deemed Safe
ATLANTA, GA - Last week Robert De Niro pushed for the Andrew Wakefield (yes, that Wakefield) film Vaxxed to be screened. "We need to have the...
Hospital Administrator Delivers Clutch Performance During In-Flight Cardiac Arrest
DENVER, CO - Passengers and crew are counting themselves fortunate tonight as their United Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Chicago made an emergency landing...
Groundbreaking Study Finds ‘Apple a Day’ Therapy Prevents 100% of Hospital Readmissions
KANSAS CITY, MO – A group of researchers who set out to find the most effective way to prevent hospital patients from having to...
Obama: I’m Entering The Information As Fast As I Can
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The president of the free world told reporters at a press conference Tuesday that he has been “hard at work” trying to...