santa electronic record

Santa Uses Electronic Gifts Record and Screws up Bigtime

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“It has been a disaster,” said Santa while banging his head against the computer monitor screen.  “It has never taken me so long to...

‘I’m Never Going to Drink Again’ Uttered by 40 Million Americans New Year’s Morning

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - The FDA estimates that over 40 million Americans will utter the phrase “I’m never going to drink again” on New Year’s...

Scientists Perfect the No-Wipe Poop

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BLOOMINGTON, IL – Scientists at Fermi-Labs have discovered something more remarkable and useful to the human race than the God Particle: no-wipe poops.  Dan...

CDC Releases Revised Ebola Management Policy for Healthcare Workers: Just Burn Everything

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WASHINGTON, DC – In the wake of the infection by Ebola of Nurse Nina Pham, who had cared for the first victim of that...
nutritionist

Nutritionist Confronts Arch Nemesis, The Malnutritionist

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ATLANTA, GA - Things are tense this morning at Tostitos Medical Center (TMC) as clinical nutritionist and protagonist Alice Dash just ran into her...
pens

CDC Recommends Against Loaning Out Your Pen if Someone Asks for It

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ATLANTA, GA - Lost amidst the opioid and obesity crises over the past few years, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has...

Program Offers Bone Marrow Transplant for Anti-Vaxxers

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A new program funded by a group of private donors will allow any healthy person who is staunchly opposed to vaccinations to undergo a...
Mexican food

Chipotle States Burritos Made with Responsibly Raised E. Coli

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SEATTLE, WA - After shutting down 43 locations in the states of Washington and Oregon due to dozens of people being hospitalized for infections by...
Tom Price

Breaking: Tom Price Signs Off, Turfs Department of Health & Human Services to Medicine

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - After dealing with scandal over the use of private jets for multiple government business trips, orthopedic surgeon Tom Price has signed...

COVID-19: Purell Launches Dozens of Hand-Sanitizing Missiles

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an aggressive effort to mitigate the spread of novel coronavirus COVID-19, Purell has launched no fewer than 20 hand sanitizing...