baby aspirin

FDA Reminder: Baby Aspirin Not Actually Meant for Babies

0
SILVER SPRING, MD - Looking to clear things up to the confused American public, the Food & Drug Administration (FDA) has issued a reminder that...
CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline, scabies

CDC Recommends Against HIV, Infections in General

0
ATLANTA, GA - In a statement earlier today, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has recommended against the human immunodeficiency virus (or...

Medical Meth to Increase Tax, Dental Revenue

3
JAY, FL - Not since legalized marijuana increased Colorado's Revenues and Frito Lay's profits, has a drug’s side effects so quickly boosted another profession’s revenue....
bad diet

Hospital Introduces ‘American Diet,’ Patient Satisfaction Soars

0
LOUISVILLE, KY - Patients and medical staff are abuzz about the University of Louisville Medical Center’s (ULMC) new dietary option: the American diet.  It...

A Breakup Letter to the Z-Pack

0
Dear Z-Pack, We’ve had a good run together. But, my dearest azithromycin, it is time for us to end our love affair. It’s not you....
used speculum tongue depressor

Habit, I Guess: OB/GYNs Accidentally Swabbing Vaginas for COVID-19

0
ATLANTA, GA - The novel coronavirus hasn't even peaked and emergency room personnel are already overwhelmed. In an act of goodwill, everyone is...

Hospital with Low Survivability Submits Plans for New Employee Draft

0
DELAWARE - Recent published reports state morbidity and mortality rates are absolutely atrocious for Community Hospital.  According to the US News & World ratings...
Stryker drone

Secretary Tom Price Deploys Stryker Drone to Mass Vaccinate America for Flu

0
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Fresh off ex-fixing the Washington Monument, new Secretary of Health and Human Services and orthopedic surgeon Tom Price has turned his...

Hospitals Now Joining Black Friday Frenzy

5
NEW YORK, NY - Black Friday is hitting America very soon.  Stores are now opening their doors almost immediately after millions of Americans finish off eating...
food

Texas Execution Delayed Due to Inmate’s NPO Status

8
DALLAS, TX – For the third time this week a Texas execution was canceled due to the prison inmate #474901’s NPO status.  "Someone’s got...