‘I’m Never Going to Drink Again’ Uttered by 40 Million Americans New Year’s Morning
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The FDA estimates that over 40 million Americans will utter the phrase “I’m never going to drink again” on New Year’s...
Breaking: Nice Patients Added to Endangered Species List
WASHINGTON, DC - In a move suggesting they are likely to become extinct unless something more is done to save them for future generations, the...
CDC Confirms ‘Something Going Around’
ATLANTA, GA – In a recent press briefing, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention confirmed reports that something has been going around. Constance Bentley,...
CDC Wants to Remind Americans They Can Still Get Their Flu Vaccine Rectally
ATLANTA, GA - With influenza activity expected to pick up in the next several weeks, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) wants to...
CDC Recommends Against Licking Eyeballs
ATLANTA, GA - Say it isn't so! The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has just announced that it cannot and will not...
Polar Vortex Advice: Urologists Recommend Setting Genitals on Fire for Warmth
LINTHICUM, MD - With the polar vortex forcing them to convene a rare emergency meeting, the American Urological Association (AUA) has issued new recommendations...
Nutritionist Confronts Arch Nemesis, The Malnutritionist
ATLANTA, GA - Things are tense this morning at Tostitos Medical Center (TMC) as clinical nutritionist and protagonist Alice Dash just ran into her...
CDC Issues Strong Recommendation to “Lick a Stranger” to Combat COVID-19
ATLANTA, GA - The Centers’ for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has issued an unprecedented late-breaking public announcement on the novel COVID-19 coronavirus outbreak:
COVID-19 is a...
Doctors and Nurses Fight Back: Proposal to Link Hospital CEO Salaries to Employee Satisfaction...
CHICAGO, IL – State senators in Illinois voted yesterday 45 to 14 in favor of a new proposal put together by physicians, nurses, and other...
CDC Recommends Against Finding Hypodermic Needles in a Haystack
ATLANTA, GA - The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says there is minimal risk associated with the search for a regular needle in...