Breaking: Biologists Reclassify Millenials as Fomo Sapiens
WASHINGTON, D.C. - As a result of the known high prevalence of fear of missing out or "FOMO" among millenials, American biologists have undertaken...
CDC Advises Robert De Niro To Be Sent To Jail Until Deemed Safe
ATLANTA, GA - Last week Robert De Niro pushed for the Andrew Wakefield (yes, that Wakefield) film Vaxxed to be screened. "We need to have the...
Dermatology Recommends Arctic Winter to Minimize Sun Exposure
ROSEMONT, IL - Continuing its campaign against arch nemesis, the Sun, the American Academy of Dermatology (AAD) has issued a new recommendation stating not...
“Minions” Movie Linked to Rising Rates of Pediatric Hyperkalemia
Emergency departments across the country have been seeing an alarming trend of rising rates of pediatric hyperkalemia since summer of last year. Hyperkalemia, which...
Telemedicine Doctor Probably Wearing Shorts, Possibly Only Boxers
BOCA RATON, FL -- Patients have long wondered what telemedicine provider Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram is wearing on the bottom half of his body during remote...
Breaking: VA Pick Ronny Jackson Withdraws from Both Nomination, Opioids
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Citing the "baseless and anonymous attacks on my character" as well as intractable abdominal cramps, lacrimation, and rhinorrhea, White House physician Rear...
With Sanders Out of 2016 Race, CDC Urges Those Still ‘Feeling the Bern’ to...
ATLANTA, GA – Following the announcement from the Sanders campaign that he has officially withdrawn his candidacy from the 2016 Democratic Presidential Primary Race,...
COVID-19: CDC Recommends We Move to Antarctica While We Still Have the Chance
ATLANTA, GA - Cautioning that its newest recommendation is not meant to alarm the American public or imply that we are losing the fight...
Hospital Gnome Retiring ‘Very Happy with Life’s Work’
DALLAS, TX – Gergio, the hospital gnome assigned to Methodist Dallas Medical Center, called it quits on Friday. Over 20 years of disconnecting patient lines,...
One Week Later, Americans Finally Waking Up from Post-Prandial Thanksgiving State
FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA - Though Thanksgiving dinner took place one week ago today, serum tryptophan levels are finally receding and Americans are...