New Program Teaches Patients to Drug-Seek More Cost-Effectively
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) under a new Congressional mandate to design programs to cut costs and reduce patient harm, has initiated a nationwide outreach program to radically...
Three Wise Monkeys Support CDC Opioid Guidelines: ‘See No Dilaudid, Hear No Dilaudid, Speak...
NIKKO, JAPAN - For the first time in centuries, the three wise monkeys have spoken. In an exclusive and brief statement to GomerBlog, the three wise monkeys asked us to take pause before delivering their special...
Brave Patient Speaks Up About Lower Back Pain
LOS GATOS, CA – Mrs. Ann Oyin is a 82-year-old librarian who presented to her PCP for a cold that wasn’t getting any better. Dave Busey, a medicine intern, was working in the clinic...
American Academy of Drug Seekers Releases 2016 ED Pain Management Guidelines
BALTIMORE, MD - Acknowledging that the nationwide effort to reduce opiate abuse in the ED has led to dangerous levels of undertreatment among their constituency, the American Academy of Drug Seekers (AADS) has released...
Allergy-Sniffing Dog Weeds Out Dilaudid-Seeking Liars
ATLANTIC CITY, NJ - Rollda-Dice Hospital's ED now sees an extra fifty patients a day since adding an allergy-sniffing dog to its staff.
Danny the Dilaudid Dog is a handsome three-year-old golden retriever approved by...
Patients Love New Turkey Sandwich with Dilaudid & Benadryl: The Turlaudidryl Special
NEW ORLEANS, LA - In a brilliant new campaign to improve patient satisfaction scores at the expense of appropriate medical care, hospital administrators and dining services have collaborated on a new turkey sandwich. It’s...
Hospital Enacts New BYOD Policy: Bring Your Own Dilaudid
NEW YORK, NY - With patients treating hospitals like an a la carte restaurant or 5-star luxury hotel, hospital leaders at New York Medical Center (NYMC), at the unanimous urging of health care providers,...
Hospital Institutes Popular “One for You, One for Me” Medication Policy
LOS ANGELES, CA - In a move being praised by providers and patients alike, local Have Mercy Hospital has begun implementing a "one for you, one for me" medication program where nurses, doctors, or other...
Investigation Reveals Dilaudid Manufactured From Unicorn Tears
Reports from a three year long undercover investigation reveal that Pharmagen has been manufacturing dilaudid using a tremendous volume of unicorn tears. The 3,000 year old female pegasys was captured by the pharmaceutical giant...
Life, Liberty, and Opioid Pain Medicine: Lost Version of Declaration of Independence Unearthed
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA - Archaeologist and historian Dusty Bookman announced on Thursday that he unearthed a lost draft of the Declaration of Independence among Thomas Jefferson’s documents.
The lost version’s famous Preamble proclaims “Life, Liberty, and opioid...