Primary Care

pulmonary fellow

Patient Surprised to Learn Zombie Doctor Not in Costume

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HOLTON, KS - An area woman, recently treated in a rural Kansas emergency room on Halloween was surprised to learn that her zombie doctor...
older patient sundowning

Combative Little Old Lady Requires Record-Breaking 11-to-1 Sitter

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SEATTLE, WA - Looks can be deceiving.  87-year-old Marsha Lynch may look like a lovely little old lady, but when she sundowns, she’s one...
new planet

NASA: New Planet Discovered with Equatorial Volcano and Rivers of Lava

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a news conference held early this morning, NASA astronomers announced they have discovered a new planet next to Pluto with features...
styrofoam stetoscope

Styrofoam Cup Outperforms Crappy Disposable Stethoscope

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ABSTRACT Given the increased proliferation of multidrug resistant (MDR) microorganisms, it is considered standard of care to use patient-dedicated, disposable, or “crappy” stethoscopes to prevent...
obesity epidemic

Amidst Obesity Epidemic, Task Force Creates Glasgow Food Coma Scale

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ATLANTA, GA - In response to the public health crisis of food comas resulting from the ongoing obesity epidemic, the 3N Joint Task Force,...
patient satisfaction survey

Patient Satisfaction Survey Study Halted, Mortality Increased 238% with Patient Satisfaction

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LOS ANGELES, CA - "We have to halt this study immediately!" was a warning issued by lead researcher, Dr. Hans Willford from UCLA.  "Long-term mortality...
wristbands

Hospital Wristband Finally Identify ‘Pain in the A**’ Patients

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SILICON VALLEY, CA – Following failed internal quality improvement efforts targeting drug-seeking patients, one California hospital took on a new tactic for difficult-to-deal-with patients. Like...
Dr. Oz testifying

State Medical Board Disciplines Dr. Oz by Forcing Him Back to Clinical Practice

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NEW YORK, NY - In a stunning conclusion to an ongoing debate about the future of Dr. Oz, the state medical board investigating him...
bad diet

Hospital Introduces ‘American Diet,’ Patient Satisfaction Soars

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LOUISVILLE, KY - Patients and medical staff are abuzz about the University of Louisville Medical Center’s (ULMC) new dietary option: the American diet.  It...
new medical interns

Hospital Eliminates July from Calendar, Decreases Mortality 3,000%

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BOSTON, MA - Hospital administrators nationwide are hailing a successful new effort described as “downright brilliant” to help curb hospital mortality by eliminating July from...