Monday, July 13, 2020

News-in-Brief

Short Articles for Your Short Attention Span

hats

How Many Different Hats Can a Medical Provider Wear?

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It's not uncommon in modern medicine for any given health care provider, whether it's a nurse, PA, or doctor, to have multiple roles or wear multiple hats: a clinical hat, an administrative hat, etc....
Rosie, Da Vinci

Da Vinci & Rosie from The Jetsons are Dating!!

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ORBIT CITY - In exciting news from Orbit Medical Center (OMC), the Jetsons' household robot, Rosie the Maid, was seen spotted with her new beau, Da Vinci the Surgical Robot.  The couple state that...

Groundbreaking Study Finds ‘Apple a Day’ Therapy Prevents 100% of Hospital Readmissions

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KANSAS CITY, MO – A group of researchers who set out to find the most effective way to prevent hospital patients from having to come back to see the doctor published their groundbreaking data...
Shkreli & Bresch

Breaking: Martin Shkreli & Heather Bresch Are A**holes

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NEW YORK, NY - In a candid interview on CBS News yesterday, Martin Shkreli admitted that "Yes, Heather Bresch and I are a**holes."  Mylan CEO Heather Bresch has been on the hot seat recently for...

Intern Singing Bee Gees During Code

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What began as a routine code on the dialysis unit turned euphonic this past Wednesday morning after new intern Rob Eide began audibly singing 'Staying Alive' by the Bee Gees while administering chest compressions. "At...

Da Vinci on Pace to Win Gold in the All-Around

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RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL - Da Vinci Robot came to the Olympic games with high hopes. Bob Costas has called him "the single greatest gymnast he has ever seen."  da Vinci is well respected...
doctor lunch

Hospital Creates Mandatory Lunch Breaks for Residents

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NEW YORK, NY - In response to updated duty hour regulations, The Good Hospital implemented mandatory lunch breaks for residents. “At first, I kept staring at my pager while I ate. But I’ve gotten better....
vp shunt

Stephen Hawking Develops VP Shunt Law

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UNIVERSITY OF CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND - Brilliant theoretical physicist and cosmologist Stephen Hawking has stunned the scientific community once again. After years of researching the stars, he recently turned his sights towards the mysteries of...
vaccination

Startling Report: CDC Recommends Against Vaccinations, Anti-Vaxxers Now Demanding Their Right to Vaccinate

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ATLANTA, GA - After a funding change, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) completed a meta-analysis using super statistical procedures and skewed graph scales, which showed that the rate of significant adverse...

Headlines from the Week in Medical News

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ROCHESTER, NY - After two-year grant-writing process, associate professor of medicine’s submission to JAMA’s “funny cartoon caption contest” fails peer review process. AKRON, OH - Patient with Kluver-Bucy Syndrome made NPO except for meals. BOSTON, MA...
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