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MILWAUKEE, WI – Emergency department staff at Elm Grove Methodist Medical Center thoroughly enjoyed the complete nonsensical seizure performance by a local homemaker.

Carol Whitaker, 43, of Wauwatosa presented to the Emergency Department yesterday with what she described as a “terrible seizure disorder.”

pseudoseizure
Bwah, wibby wibby Doi!  Xanax, please!

“You just can’t imagine the horror I went through,” recounts Whitaker.  “My doctor usually controls my epilepsy with Xanax, but I ran out and couldn’t get in touch with him!  That’s when my seizures got so bad that I drove myself straight to the ER.”

Triage nurse Sam Mandel describes Mrs. Whitaker’s presentation.  “She was crying at the triage desk saying her seizures were completely out of control.  Every minute or so she would stop talking and would start throwing her arms in the air and looking at the ceiling.  Seriously, she looked like Gumby trying to catch a football.  And I’m sitting there thinking how I’m only 30 minutes into this shift and already complete crap is coming in through the door.  Damn.”  Shaking his head in disbelief he went on, “The only reason I took her directly back to a resus bed is because I couldn’t hear my iPad movie over her incessant fake-seizure yell-grunts in the triage area.”

“She needed Ativan and Dilantin about as badly as I did,” said Mandel.

Once Mrs. Whitaker was in the presence of an EM doctor and several treatment nurses, her affliction mysteriously became worse.

“She was laying on the bed, shaking her head back and forth while moving her legs like she was trying to ride a unicycle up an imaginary wall,” Recounts ER nurse Heather Pomdillo. “And the whole time she was screaming ‘Doi! Doi! Doi!'”

“I walked out of the room for a minute to keep from laughing in her face,” said Pomdillo.

“Oh, the best were the intermittent torso shakes,” added EM physician Leena Caswell.  “I was this close to dropping my coffee cup when I saw that.  Priceless.”

“And then when our nurses needed to start an IV, her right arm was mysteriously and temporarily cured of all seizure activity.  She knew she couldn’t get any good stuff without the IV,” said Caswell.  “I would have smacked her, but her performance was so hilarious.  She gets points for that.”

“Totally!” added Pomdillo.

“But honestly if you are going to fake a seizure in front of educated medical staff, at least put some effort into it.  Like, watch a video of a real one on YouTube or something.  I’m sure they have at least one uploaded by now,” said Caswell.

As for Ms. Whitaker, her seizures were “so much better” after an IV infusion of 0.5 mg Ativan and a script for a Xanax refill.  “NOW I can get on with my day!  Thanks to the great people at the ED for all their help!” said Whitaker.

Later, sources say she tried calling the ED back for a “120-day supply instead of 5.”

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