WASHINGTON, D.C. – To the delight of emergency physicians across the country, the Food and Drug Administration has approved the use of a new drug which combines 5 commonly-used medications to treat acute dyspnea.
FUROSESONEROLAQUINOX™ combines 40 mg of Lasix, 120 mg of Solu-Medrol, 10 mg of albuterol, 750 mg of Levaquin, and 100 mg of Lovenox. It is given in a pre-mixed IV bag and infused over an hour.
Dr. Dewey Wilson, an emergency physician in Dallas, sings the new drug’s praises. “Up until now, ER doctors had to go through this mental masturbation when an elderly patient with a history of COPD, CHF, and DVT/PE rolled into the ER on the EMS stretcher, huffing and puffing to breathe. It could take hours to sort it all out. It typically required dozes of ancillary tests, and occasionally a review of records or even a stethoscope.
“Now, when granny rolls in working to breathe with age > O2 sats, I just order one drug and call the hospitalist. We have even hard-wired it into our EMR so that when the drug is ordered, an ECG, chest-ray, chemistries, CBC, troponin, and BNP are automatically ordered for the admitting team. All the bases are covered, and I can get on to evaluating patients who could conceivably be discharged.
“Plus, today’s patients aren’t interested in quality as much as they are convenience. They would much rather run the risk of being treated for diseases they don’t actually have if it means less time spent in the ER. We all know that modern medicine is about patient satisfaction and not the provision of appropriate care, so it’s really a win/win for patients and physicians.”
This is even BETTER-though not as much Fun-as the Michael Jackson sleeper cocktail
But..but BUTT..how do you figure out Age+BUN=Dose with a fershlugginer combo like that?!
From the television ad: “Ask your doctor if FUROSESONEROLAQUINOX is right for you. One. Sly.La.Ble.At.A. Time.”
Hahaha! My favorote line “We all know that modern medicine is about patient satisfaction and not the provision of appropriate care, so it’s really a win/win for patients and physicians.” If I hear about HCAHPS scores one more time…
What? No STAT “Porcelain Level” to rule out COSS? (For the uninitiated and/or kinder of heart people, COSS= Crock Of S**t Syndrome…) I’m appalled !
But then a consult to pulm, And Cardiology are In order. Oh and neuro too because the 93 year old got weird after 50 of fentanyl for chest pain.
Does no one else call this ‘Geri-fix’? Geri-fix Forte is this, with NIV.
As a Hospitalist, I just see the “F@&$ It!” Attitude with everyone in the ED getting 40 lasix, 125 solunedrol, 1g Rocephin, 500 Zithromax, an Duobeb, and the obligatory Troponin and CTA chest because the D-Dimer was 2 points above normal ….. And let the Hospitalist sort it out and deal with the results
ALMOST PERFECT. we just need a version w heparin for the renally insufficient.
Megan
What’s that? You have dyspnoea? Let’s put 1 litre of this IV fluid in you over 1 hour.
WHAT? No dilaudid in it?
I’m sorry, could you repeat that verbal order?
This is for patients with chest x-Rays that “cannot rule out pneumonia, atelectasis, CHF, COPD, or imminent death.”
A new medication for you to prescribe Dawn King :)
That killed me too!
The sense of humor of my profession has to be top 3…
Love it.
HAHA !
“Age> O2 sats”
Hahahahahahaha!
Amazing
These articles make me howl with laughter sometimes!
Amazing
I cannot pronounce those words. I must have dyspellyia
Amen
Love!
Finally!
That’s hilarious