em physician
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PENDELTON, IN – Departmental Emergency Medicine Chief Dr. Glenn Henderson was seen staring off into space daydreaming on Monday morning, while digitally disimpacting a 90-year-old nursing home patient, Onis McBurgrontree of Pendleton, IN.  With his right index finger firmly implanted in the patient’s rectum, Dr. Henderson remembered the days of hard work and sleepless nights while in the pre-med program at Indiana University.  “I had a 4.0,” he could be heard whispering under his breath, while gradually removing the dry, clay-like fecal material.

em physician
“4.0 GPA, a top medical school… now this”

For a brief moment, a smile was seen on his face when reminiscing about his acceptance letter into medical school nearly 20 years prior.  The smile soon faded when the entrapped gas from Mr. McBurgontree’s colon escaped into the ambient atmosphere and Dr. Henderson realized that he was in room 15 of the ED.

Upon delivery of the 3-lb. stool, Dr. Henderson removed his gloves and began wiping away a small tear from his right eye.  Next he was handed a chart to begin assessing his next patient for a chief complaint of “left eyebrow pain for 10 minutes.”

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  • Skeptical Scalpel

    MT @gruntdoc @drsamko 45yo EM Physician daydreams about his 4.0 GPA in college – http://t.co/rDZJT0TI7b

  • GruntDoc

    Owowow. MT“: RT 45yo EM Physician … – http://t.co/9CwGus8Vta #Colorectal #Emergency_Medicine #Gastroenterology #NewsinBrief”

  • mighty_aphrodite

    True story – I once saved an elderly gentleman from a temporary pacer insertion when I noticed he was impacted. (I saw the signs while changing his linens after he arrived from the ED.) Removed the impaction & his heart rate came right up. He was transferred to telemetry later that day and back to his nursing home in less than 48 hours. I sh*t you not! (See what I did there? Ha!)

  • mighty_aphrodite

    Do you not understand that this is a satire site?

  • Tom Combs Physician-Author

    Incorrect.
    It is not a separate charge/fee but bundled into E &M. Potentially coded if done under anesthesia.
    As an ER doc have done plenty.

  • Nick Banker

    Then you haven’t worked in the ER

  • Casca

    Do you know the difference between a trial lawyer in a Porsche and a cactus ?

    The cactus has it’s prick on it’s outside

  • Tom Keane

    There are people who are more disgusted by sputum than stool. It’s fun to watch them gag when you suction somebody’s airway.

  • Tom Keane

    Seems like he would have gotten a fierce endocarditis if he didn’t exsanguinate first.

  • Tom Keane

    Haven’t done one since residency.

  • Shannon Caskey

    Hey! He must work at Princeton Plainsboro Hospital with Dr. House because normally the nurses get to do that!

  • Theresa Skrobe

    As an RN, I’m glad not to have this horrid responsibility.

  • Chun Man Tong

    As a first year medical student, I want to learn more about the man who manage to perforate his colon, then the liver, then the RA of the heart…sounds way too far up someone’s butt to not die?

  • Casca

    Guess I’ve been doing it wrong all along- apparently I can just let the nurses do it according to some folks on here !
    Usually I just give the patient $1 in quarters and tell them to go by the car wash and put the wand on “soap”…..

  • Casca

    Did waaaaay too much drugs in school, didn’t you ?

  • Casca

    Open your eyes

  • Kaitlin Kennedy

    Misty, Rakesh: does this mean I would score perfectly on the MCAT???

  • Casca

    Want some cheese with that whine ?

  • Kaitlin Kennedy

    Rakesh Singh!!! – your GPA must not have been THAT great cause we all know your disimpaction skills be needing some work

  • Shashank Upadhyay

    Gonna consult medicine next time for constipation

  • Pulkit Saxena

    Shashank Upadhyay William Garcia

  • Brenda Barbieri Nahlik

    Joe Nahlik

  • Barb Le Gros

    Now those are jobs for docs. When my nephew missed out on getting an ER residency, I told his Dad, he would never be happy in the ER. He would never be able to deal with the bullshit cases. Much more suited for critical care.

  • Michael Kennedy

    I haven’t done too many but have removed a few foreign objects: light bulb, Smuckers jam jar, too many vibrators to count, carrot with a condom on it, coke bottle (not broken), badminton shuttlecock (Yes there were jokes about the game), water glass and that was a repeat offender. He was back a few weeks later with another one. Plenty of broom handle perforations of the sigmoid. One really bad one went through the liver into the right atrium. I guess he slipped and fell.

  • Dee Marie

    Nice !

  • Bill Moore

    Brilliant!

  • Jeannine Duffey Neubecker

    I did disimpactions too and worked Perioperative until I retired. Saw the number of disimpactions really rise as they started hiring BSN and MSN nurses who no longer kept records of patient’s bowel movements. WE didn’t have the impactions back in the 60’s and 70’s that wind up in the OR like we have lately. I was a patient at two different hospitals this past year . I had to scream like crazy to even get a stool softener after 5 days of no BM.

  • Michele Marie

    It is actually, I remember a doc saying a disimpaction is good $$. If only is nurses could charge for procedures, we would be working our butts off to do extra things…hmmm, think I’m on to something.

  • Cary Hanni

    Interesting in that there is no hospital in Pendleton, IN except at the reformatory. Is this fiction? Why would a 4.0 GPA relieve someone of the responsibility of this duty? Tell the physician to drive his Mercedes back to his million dollar home and ponder this further. I’ll bet the patient felt better, which is all the physician should worry about.

  • Tom Robert

    Every ER I have worked in – the MDs do the disimpactions

  • Peggi Woodward Berge

    doctors do this? Boy, have things changed since I retired !

  • Yulia Kirkpatrick

    I have never witnessed it nor heard about it. Ever.

  • Nina S. Naidu

    Sorry to say that I did a lot of these as a surgical resident.

  • Melissa Howell

    So true Nan!!!

  • Mike Zajano

    I thought they assigned this to mathematicians – they work it out with a pencil.

  • Stacey Maddox

    Every. Single. Day.

  • Gomerblog
  • Alexandre Tardif

    I wonder if there was little pieces of corn in there. Then you can think about your grandmas cornbread too

  • Alexandre Tardif

    A doctor doing a disimpaction ? Yeah right. If there’s no nurse around lol

  • Maria Floriana Iatan

    Enda Holohan

  • Janet Shaw

    Bahahaha

  • Catherine Kovar

    OOOOOHHH NO DR BILL!!!!

  • Jacqueline O’Grady

    Jennifer Daly

  • Jamie W Christman

    Do you have to rely on Stuart Smalley affirmations to get through your day too! LOL!

  • Jamie W Christman

    Clearly, you work with a bunch of assholes (pun intended), because, oh yeah, we do have this distinguished privilege in my world! As much as it sucks, I can handle this over vomit any day!

  • Jamie W Christman

    I seem to remember this being a med student job!

  • Robin Gailley

    LMAO, better you than me….oh yea, you’re writing orders for “enema until clear”. Asshole.

  • Chey Fernandez

    Occasionally a surgery consult is placed

  • Vadim Osadchiy

    So good.

  • Lori Dinger

    In 37 years I have never seen a doctor disimpact anyone!

  • Jänét Dävis

    Gomerblog: *Must have. Love and Kisses, Nurse/grammar cop

  • Ted Schafer

    HA! “Three-pound stool”. You’d have to give it Apgars!

  • James M Wilson

    Ryan

  • Melissa Kellum

    Sandy Streisel I don’t care. Still want that 4.0. And manual disinfection doesn’t gross me out at this point…

  • Andrew Tan

    I have done tons.

  • Valerie Anne

    Nurses aren’t allowed to do disimpactations believe it or not. We can enema them all day long, but that’s about it

  • Sandy Streisel

    Melissa Kellum

  • David Zajano

    Glad to hear he removed his glove before wiping his eye. Also note that this is one task that nurse practitioners haven’t tried to wrest from the domain of tasks performed only by physicians (or a medical student under physician supervision).

  • Brewster

    At what point did someone smack this person in the head and told him to shut the fuck up, get into his Mercedes, go home to his McMansion and screw his attractive, high-maintenance wife?

  • Nate Kaufman

    ….riiiight.

  • Lata Potturi Schaedler

    Reminds me of the patient I disimpacted as an intern 2 hours before she died. No one told me constipation was the least of her problems and I was too green to know otherwise. UGH.

  • Brittany Leigh Crandell

    Carolynann Anderson- your dilating rectum story goes here.

  • Kelley Hughes Reep

    I’ve NEVER met a doctor who would disimpact a patient!!

  • Casca

    All the time

  • Casca

    You’re thinking of a trial lawyer, right ?

  • Casca

    Did the eyebrow pain come in by EMS ?

  • Matthew M. Roberts

    I’m sorry you work with docs like that

  • Wes Hunter

    Rhonda Hunter, this is why…

  • Matthew M. Roberts

    My life in a microcosm.

  • Gomerblog

    Must of been Nurses Week. It is well known it is illegal to have nurses perform disimpactions during this week

  • Jennifer Carll Kitchen

    My favorite surgeon did a disimpaction with patient under sedation for burn debridement…he then stood there holding a huge handful with a totally confused look and finally asked me “what should I do with it”? All the while discussing the hard boiled egg (just one, but “it’s a big egg”) that he was going to eat for lunch! Smh lol

  • Rita Grasse

    And that’s why I’m in respiratory. Thank you.

  • Nan Aiello

    Ba-lone-ee. No MD disimpacts -he tells the RN to do it and takes the credit

  • Janice Wade

    One could think about many skills while doing that procedure; dinner perhaps.

  • Desiree Dwyer Spellings

    Jeanette Moseley LOL….remember that time with you, me, & Sturdi in room 10 that it hit the wall. This made me laugh so hard haha.

  • Charles Yang

    Yes and when he jumps into his 911 Turbo while calling his second ex wife to pick up his son for the weekend with his 20 year old girl friend that 4.0 GPA will be the furthest thing on his mind.

  • Squeaking Mink

    Lol

  • Laurie Tucker Lerner

    Baah!

  • Sarah Kolter DuBose

    Yep, I’m thinking this is about a Nurse with a 4.0. Jus sayin.

  • W. Aaron Kay

    Ken Berg your parents must be so proud LOL

  • Shelley Davis

    Lol. I’ve had to do it a couple of times. But I love the eyebrow pain for 10 minutes…it’s like a day of my life.

  • Gurion Lantz

    Oh man… An EM physician doing a manual disimpaction? That would be glorious… Usually in our system that’s a General Surgery consult…

  • Kendra Nelson Azelton

    Brandon Browne

  • Whitney Harris Fose

    This is even funnier because I actually had to do this today. I love my job.

  • Kelly Neubauer

    You always remember your first

  • Bou Ghatti

    150% true

  • Tracy Pearce

    Ah, good times!

  • Angie Montecino-Barco

    Haha Jennifer Weeks

  • Suat Kılıç

    Mohammad Abboud

  • Elizabeth Jane Welch

    I’m hoping that 4.0 reminded him to double glove…..

  • Yulia Kirkpatrick

    Since when do physicians do disimpaction?

  • Carl Stephens

    Perfect

  • Kathleen Lyons O’Bryan

    Patrick Lyons

  • Suzi Fink

    I LOVE this site !

  • Jeanne Sincavage

    Must be a chargeable procedure under Medicare. When I was in nursing school in the late 60’s we did the disimpactions. One of the MANY reasons I chose PeriOperative nursing!

  • Ed Iway

    Hahaha

  • Brandy Acklin Bradford

    4.3 GPA if that’s the deciding factor!! Gotta be good at something!!!

  • Hari Nathan

    A “lifestyle” specialty.

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