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Local Hospital Has New Policy: Ask for Dilaudid, Get Dilaudid, No Questions Asked

Lord Lockwell
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168
Local Hospital Has New Policy: Ask for Dilaudid, Get Dilaudid, No Questions Asked

COLUMBUS, OH – A local hospital is trying a new, controversial but more efficient approach to medical care.  “We have changed our guidelines, if you want Dilaudid you get Dilaudid, if you want Valium, you get Valium.  No questions asked,” CEO Michael Shoemaker told reporters Wednesday.

19617485_mIn what experts are calling pure genius, emergency department utilization has never been better, costs have been severely cut down, and patient satisfaction scores are through the roof, a national high.

“I didn’t have to fake my seizure just to get that Xanax that I love so much!” read one comment card.  “The new policy saved me hours on the day, I didn’t have to describe my abdominal pain and go through hours of tests, scans, and experts coming in to see me.  I got my drug that starts with a ‘D’ [winks] and then I could go out and get things done,” said a smiling patient leaving the emergency department with pin-point pupils.

The hospital is now saving thousands of dollars on avoiding abdominal CT scans and MRIs. “Our radiology costs were out of control, as a 10-year supply of Percocet is still cheaper than an MRI.  Simple economics,” Hospital CFO Charlie Daniels stated.

ED physician Jennifer Hillgis is very happy with the new rules saying, “America has the highest opioid use in the whole world, it’s time to just accept it and move on.  Plus these drug seekers don’t take up any of my beds anymore.  They come in, get their drugs, and go home.  No more spitting at my staff or cussing me out because I’m denying them medication by looking out for their safety.”  Dr. Hillgis was surprised that some patient’s allergies have literally disappeared overnight.  “If we are out of Dilaudid then many people are ‘willing to try something else,’ even if they have a documented allergy for it!”

“If a patient asks for a medication, we now advice health care providers to not to ask why, or figure out the medical reason, we now suggest they ask what dose,” said administrator Shoemaker.  “We keep the lawyers away by having patients sign a couple documents saying they probably will die taking medication without medical advice.”

The new program removes any liability from health care providers as patients are required to sign a consent that they have been counseled of the risks.

“Everyone is happy.  I get the drug seekers out of my ED quickly and with what they want.  We can ethically wash our hands clean and move on to patients with real disease.”

The hospitals hired a manager from local fast-food chain Burger King whose motto is “Have it your way” to facilitate this new style of medicine.

“It really is easier,” Nurse Samantha told reporters.  “Now when a patient comes in they just tell me ‘I want some Lortab, please’ and I give them the dose and quantity they want.” She continued, “No need to lie or come up with excuses anymore.  I just show them the package insert that says they might overdose and die if they take too much, and after showing them the warnings, I give them what they want.  Done.”

Hospital personnel in Columbus are floored by the sudden memory gain of all their patients.  “Everyone now knows what medication starts with a D.”

168 COMMENTS

  3. You, sir, are wrong. Extreme pain is an emergency to the one suffering it. Maybe if doctors and pm specialists actually tried to help them stay out of pain without demeaning them, they wouldn’t end up in the er trying to get just enough to get through a might. Maybe they had to shovel the driveway today, vacuum the house, carry around a sick baby who couldn’t be consoled by anyone else, fix the car because you can’t afford a mechanic, drive alone to visit an injured or dying loved one, even though you can’t drive over 20 miles without being in pain for hours after. This is real life for us. Maybe we couldn’t get to the doctor before we ran out of meds. I am a child of the sixties, yet I have never tried as much as one drag of pot. You are far too judgmental, sir.

  5. No Kidding! I desperately want the back surgery but every time I go for clearance something else pops up. I am having my THIRD surgery (on stuff that never hurt or bothered me) just to have a disc shaved. I get dirty looks from these self righteous jag offs while you are thinking…where’s the nearest bridge?

  6. 1st let me say I am a RN and yes I have chronic pain, years ago had a resident decide my head was his own personal punching bag. This gave me nerve damage on right side of my head. I get migrains constantly. I cant take codiene, dilaudid morphine, or any of the so called “good meds”. When do need a shot (which havent had for 2yrs thank God) then all I can get is Nubain which any medical professional should know does NOT give you any type of high. Yet I have had fellow medical personnel give me that “drug seeker” look even though I look like a racoon, red around eyes) side of my head just above my right ear is so swollen that it looks like someone implanted a golf ball under my skin and my bp is high as hell to point the slap a 12 lead on me. Even with all that had a dr refuse and called me a drug seeker to my face. But thankfully my dr is and has been my emergency contact and when the nurse called her she gave the order. I will ssay that dr never returned to that er again. And yes I have a migraine 24/7 but to me its what I would call 3 on pain scale. But as I have been told my 3 would be a 10 to others.But when I get a bad one iit hits suddenly and isnt a gradual build up. Knock on wood and thank God havent had ta instantaneous one in a few yrs so no er visits for now. Also I have to say am appalled and saddened by some of the comments from healthcare professionals. If you are that jaded and that disrespectful towards others even on here and even if the person is a “drug seeker” then perhaps its time to get a different job or even go into another proffession. Yes I understand the frustration but we should never speak like that to others . And as healthcare professionals you should know a drug seeker is an addict and that addiction is a disease they dont need your condemnation they need your help.

  7. Amen sister, I wrote a post about being in pain too, and there are two trolls on here that are wannabe healthcare professionals, I’m betting they’re secretaries for a Doc or something, but their responses are basically what I have had to deal with for over a year now. Apparently there is no such thing as chronic pain in their eyes and they want to just talk shit about everyone, the cynical attitude of “healthcare” professionals, Docs and Pharmacists alike, is probably one of the main reasons heroin is such an epidemic…

  8. I have adhesion’s from an appendectomy that nearly killed me and they had to remove part of my small bowel. About once or twice a year, I end up in the ER with a small bowel obstruction. My surgeon doesn’t want to operate out of fear of causing more adhesions. When this happens I am automatically NPO so I can’t take pain killers at home ( not without throwing them up ten seconds after I take them). I am very lucky my local ER knows me by name. I am always terrified of being on vacation and ended up in an ER with cynical doctors/nurses like you. Because yes, you can get my medical info sent to over to you, and I could wait until you receive it to get my meds, but, until you have had to deal with the kind of pain I am in, it’s hard to imagine that every second I wait feels like hours, and it is so intense I sweat and vomit to the point of passing out. My best friend is an ER doctor, so I understand it is frustrating to deal with soo many drug seekers, but please don’t let them make you jaded against people who really need the “D” drug, and at very first may present as unexplained abdominal pain.

  9. Thank you for such a well thought out and spoken reply. I too worked for many years at a substance abuse hospital and also with many people that had uncontrolled severe pain. When you lose the ability to be objective and have empathy it’s time to consider a desk job where you don’t have to deal with real people in real pain.

  10. Wow. I have RA, I’m 39 years old and are prescribed 60 Lortab a month. Does that make me an addict? I do my 2 Enbrel injections every week, but the pain still comes. A couple of weeks ago, I had a really bad flare, and was in so much pain with my shoulder I didn’t sleep a wink. I cried and begged my husband to take me to the ER, but he said “What are they gonna do for you there?” And, he was right. So, I took my medicine I had at home, threw up because it makes me sick, and suffered through it. I know how I would’ve been looked at in the ER, and it really is a shame. I don’t run around with my blood work results in my purse, it wouldn’t matter anyway.

  13. What ever happened to first do no harm :/ Allowing the ignorance of people will only wind up adding to high numbers of kidney and liver patients later, not to mention suppressed immune and clogged up lymphatic systems.

  15. We put a sign on the street in front of another ER across town saying ” Free Vicodin, Xanax and Dilaudid today !!!!”

    The line of cars was over half a mile long to get in there…..

  19. Instead, the DEA turned hydrocodone into a schedule 2 drug needing a triplicate to fill it.
    The government is pouring gasoline on a fire.

  20. Odd how the folks up voting all the whiners posts are always ” guests”
    You can sign in different times and up vote yourself as a guest numerous times.
    Sick, sick people……

  22. Quick !
    Move to Guatemala and insist the ER there treat your “12 out of 10” pain with all the free drugs you demand !

  23. REALLY YOU LOW LIFE TOO SCARED TO SHOW WHO YOU ARE, RUN THAT DUMBASS MOUTH, IT’S PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT GIVE MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS A BAD NAME. YOU ARE THE PIECE OF SHIT HERE, IF YOU DON’T THINK THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE IN CHRONIC PAIN THAT USE PAIN MEDS JUST TO GET THRU THE DAY. IF I WERE YOUR BOSS AND YOU HAD AN ATTITUDE LIKE YOURS YOU WOULD BE GONE FROM MY HOSPITAL SO FAST YOU WOULD WONDER WHAT HAPPENED. MAYBE SOME DAY SOMETHING WILL GO WRONG WITH THAT PEA BRAIN OF YOURS AND YOU WILL NEED PAIN MEDS TO SURVIVE THE DAY AND I’LL BET YOU WILL START TALKING OUT YOUR ASS THEN BECAUSE YOU SAY YOUR MOUTH KNOWS BETTER. GET A LIFE AND GET OUT OF THE MEDICAL FIELD BECAUSE YOU SURE DON’T BELONG THERE, GO DIG DITCHES FOR A LIVING AND I’M NOT EVEN SURE YOU ARE FIT FOR THAT JOB. YOU ARE JUST A PEICE OF SHIT…………..

  26. once again…THANK YOU!!! thank you. thank you for being a fine example of what we are all talking about here. and wasting all of our time listening to all of your stories and excuses. i think I’ve heard your story about 100 times this year. exact story. and us simple ER folk are real sorry to hear about your MVA way back when, but this is the EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT. chronic pain is not an emergency. PERIOD. where the hell is your primary care doctor or, hey, your pain management doctor for that matter?? oh wait, it’s the weekend and you couldn’t get a refill. or someone stole your rx. or you dropped your pills in the toilet. or your from out of town. or your dog ate your homework. did the accident happen today? no? go away and take your MRI with you

  27. THANK YOU!!! thank you. thank you for being a fine example of what we are all talking about here. and wasting all of our time listening to all of your stories and excuses. i think I’ve heard your story about 100 times this year. exact story. and us simple ER folk are real sorry to hear about your MVA way back when, but this is the EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT. chronic pain is not an emergency. PERIOD. where the hell is your primary care doctor or, hey, your pain management doctor for that matter?? oh wait, it’s the weekend and you couldn’t get a refill. or someone stole your rx. or you dropped your pills in the toilet. or your from out of town. or your dog ate your homework. did the accident happen today? no? go away and take your MRI with you

  30. Funny thing. I have Bipolar II. I use and have used marijuana to treat my own condition for years, works great! Contrary to popular belief, a piece of paper with fancy university name on it doesn’t make you god, or even an better human being than everyone else. All it means is you regurgitate information well. I’ve had friends od and die on: Heroin, Cocaine, Meth, Drunk Driving, Rx Pills that doctors hand out like candy, cause big pharma has it’s hands in their pockets. One friend had a stroke (and won a law suit ;-) ) due to a dangerous medication that required constant monitoring and blood work that was neglected. I’m hardcore anti-hard drug. There is extensive research on how mushrooms has anti-depressant qualities, and perhaps may have even cased a shift in perception to early humans, that caused a cognitive evolution. Yet I’m demonized for educating myself on my own condition, being informed, having a plan for treatment and being actively involved and using GOD’S weed to curb my symptoms. Wanna hear something really funny? I don’t like this plant in nature, nor do I like zebras. Why don’t we make them both illegal! I go see they psychiatrist and ask for marinol, straight up, because it helps my depression, (instead of opting for xanax or another anti-anxiety/depressant.) Instead I get freakin Adarol shoved in my face??!! But if I say Marinol clearly I’m an addict. God forbing you “medical professionals” do a medial history and see if the history matches the patient’s story. But if I turn down the plethora of (chemical) medications for a problem that has not even definitively been concluded to be a chemical imbalance, in favor of a natural remedy that is consistent and I know to work ~ I’M THE IRRATIONAL MENTALLY ILL PERSON AVERTING TREATMENT!!

    I have these two wizdom teeth that are impacted, and due to lack of insurance (until now) have not been able to get them removed. They cause me insane pane sometimes. I went to the hospital last week looking for a shot of lidocaine honestly, just to numb the pain. I was issued a generic anti-inflammatory and called the attending out. I’m here for PAIN, not inflammation, do you see any swelling Dr? You can’t just expect us to hand out narcotics… I never said ANYTHING about narcotics, are you accusing me of being a drug addict? How about a lidocaine shot, or perhaps NON narcotic tramadol? Yea, got a shot and left with tramadol. Fuck you god complex medical freaks.

    You wanna talk addiction. 90% of nurses I see look like they are going to have congenital heart failure at any moment due to obesity. Isn’t eating an addiction too?

    I’m not ashamed of my weed usage, and it would seem as though my honesty and integrity about this are met with cynicism and hostility. So much for patient “care”.

  31. My oxycodone does me just fine, and I’ve had an injection that was supposed to kill the pain for “3 months” and all it did was completely tear my neck up and wore off after about 6 weeks. And you are OBVIOUSLY not a healthcare professional if you think and MRI is an “excuse”, go look up what it is you uneducated fucking fool. A drug addict by definition? If you mean I have to take a painkiller so I can get up and not be in so much pain that I can wipe my own ass? Then yeah, I’m a TOTAL drug addict. I get what I need, I’ve had three doctors in the last year, each time I beg for surgery or anything that can get me off of painkillers so I can go back to a normal life of not contemplating suicide daily because I know that this will be my life for as long as it lasts, constant incredible pain. Oh and the drunk driver that hit me, he’s just fine, he spend 60 days in jail and is now free. But each time I see a new doctor, and and I talk about painkillers, I’m given the same look like I’m just there to “get my fix”. Until they see my MRI and wonder how I’m walking. The same goes for every single time I go to a new pharmacy for whatever reason and they have to call it in because they just can’t believe someone my age can be in legitimate pain. And i’m not a heroin user, but I can see how someone in my situation that dealt with nothing by cynical prick doctors all the time making them feel worse than they already do would turn to something like that, from what I hear it’s cheaper because you pricks over prescribe it to anyone who says “ow my foot hurts” so much that the prices for it are ridiculous. I pray on my father’s soul, the man who was KILLED in the seat next to me that you get in a horrific car accident, and you go through what I go through daily, then have to go through the stigma and ridicule every other month or so, just so you know what an amazing piece of shit you are.

  32. Never underestimate the power of Natrium Chloride!!! It is a powerful drug, and dangerous too as it has to be reconstituted with Dihydrogen oxide and we all know it can remove the epithelium of critically ill patients. Why Natrium Chloride is so dangerous that nurses are FORBIDDEN by the Joint Commission to have even a 0.9% solution in a syringe anywhere on their person unless immediately using it on a patient for whom it was prescribed.

  35. right, that CT should be done in an outpatient setting, not the ER. cancer is not an emergency. The E stands for emergency.

  36. yeah keep using that MRI as an excuse.
    You are a drug addict by definition.
    If you have pain and dont act like the piece of shit who wrote the above post, you’ll get what you need. Just be a decent human being. You’re not.
    How have physical therapy, your pain clinic, and neurosurgeons been helping you?
    Please buy heroin and use too much of it.

  41. There was another satirical article written by either a nurse or NP suggesting that the abbreviation “RN” should now stand for “refreshments and narcotics “. I’m going to try to find it. Think it may have shared by Liz Schollard, but not sure.

  50. Haha, Yes exactly! That’s why I love my job! But for real, I couldn’t even finish reading the article. That’s what pain clinics are for not the ER. But Hey, if patient satisfactory scores go up then pcmc might be the next to join the trend! Get ready!!

  51. Where do I start? Let’s see…can’t ask about substance abuse because they get offended…have to get them seen immediately for non urgent issues to get paid…have to make them happy at all costs so their hotel – quality survey is good….can’t discharge them from the floor if they don’t want to leave. ..This would just be the natural progression of things, albeit satirical. At least we did have a most interesting case in room 10 yesterday Andrea Leary and Heidi Hein. Great cases like that make it all worth while :-)

  54. As a chronic pain sufferer, I now see why I am looked at like I’m a fucking drug addict by the doc, by the pharmacy, and by the nurses until I pull out my MRI and show them my crushed and herniated discs in my back, you’re all a bunch of fucking cynics, yeah there’s an epidemic of opioid abuse, I know, I get asked by everyone I know to buy the meds I get. But you know what they do if they can’t find something that is for lack of a better term “healthier”, they go to fucking heroin. And honestly, the way I’m treated by you self righteous pricks I’d rather use something from a street pharmacist too if I knew that it was clean/pure. At least I wouldn’t get looked at like I’m the lowest form of life.

  67. I had a 40 something year old guy who had a cranky IV pump, and a little NS flush fixed it…. he’d wake up and see me with a syringe going into his line, and just roll his eyes back and smile …. he didn’t ask what it was, and I didn’t tell… he thought it was all good. :p

  69. I want some. (Oh wait, I’m a recovering junkie with 20+ years of (mostly) sobriety. – I guess scoring some wouldn’t be such a good idea) oh well, I have fond memories of , what were we talking about again?

  71. For those who think this is ‘real’, get out of the medical profession… look up the word ‘satire’. You’ll learn something ;)

    For those who are speaking in general about those who need pain meds, please tell me that you actually know how to tell the difference between addicts and someone who has chronic pain who is not addicted. Working in an ER doesn’t mean you do- it means you’re jaded by the jerks. And I can understand that… working in a detox facility, it did get old to see the same faces show up repeatedly to get clean. But addiction isn’t a one-size-fits-all problem. Neither is pain. I’ve been an RN since 1985. I’ve had chronic pain since 1995, and disabled since 2004. I know that an ER is the last place someone with legitimate, documented pain can go and get help. I know that the PITAs are the reason… but if you’re ever on the fence about whether or not someone ELSE has pain, could you step back for just a minute, and ask whether you’d want to err on the side of helping someone be able to function physically for a few doses to get them to when they can get to their regular doc- or give someone who is going to get something from somewhere for their emotional issues (core of addiction) a few doses to get out of your hair? You DON’T know who has ‘real’ pain (meaning physical… all you have is their word. You also don’t know who is purposely not telling you that they hurt because they KNOW you will judge them as drug-seeking… when knowing about the pain might give you the info you need to really help them.

    Yeah- I’ve worked with some real winners on a med-surg floor (not as bad as an ER, I know- but they stayed longer ;) ). We (nurses) were told that if the vitals were stable, and the time frame allowed it- give the meds. Either they’re going to abuse stuff at home or they’re not. And that has nothing to do with you. The vast majority of patients aren’t going to end up addicted- and nothing you do “to” an addict will keep them from getting what they want… legally or not. You’re not going to fix a lifelong problem with a 3 hour ER visit.

    jmho…. Lots of stuff y’all wrote is really funny, and I remember those days with patients I wanted to clobber. But knowing how medical professionals feel about pain meds- and the audacity of someone to say they actually hurt- is embarrassing.

  73. Right…. send them all looking for cheaper heroin. I wonder if the stats are really that much higher per capita, or if 24/7 news and more drama = better ratings are partially the reason. When I was a new grad (RN) in 1985, there were cards of codeine missing from the med carts in nursing homes- nothing new about addicts and pills. Pills were common on the streets then – just different ones. But more regulation = sending them to the street.

    Should docs comply with ‘demands’ for unnecessary meds? Of course not… but don’t lump all folks who complain of pain of having drug problems. Of those prescribed addictive meds, and who take them as directed, the actual rate of addiction is less than %6… so %94 who follow the rules have their lives altered because of those with “issues” (very easy to look up- look for the ones that are done by addiction researchers- not the panic button dwellers). I’ve worked addiction treatment/detox and am a chronic pain patient (who has better sense than to go to an ER for help if I’m in pain). It’s gotta be done with some common sense. One entire family practice group in the town I’m in is not allowed to prescribe pain meds to their own patients by their hospital group ‘rules’. Seriously? The patient’s own doc can’t make the decisions? Send them to a pain management doc, so one more hand is in the prescription pot?

    Yeah- this is a satire site. But it’s also a real problem for those of us with legit pain (physical, documented, test results not disputable, etc). Norco as a Schedule II just means that the price of heroin just went up. I’m lucky to have a doc I’ve known for several years, who knows me, and that I’m not one to want more and more; I told her last time to cut back on the #/prescription- I didn’t need that many. But for those who have doctors who are just scared, they’re the ones who suffer. If someone is killing themselves, the DEA isn’t going to stop them.

  74. I used to work in an Eye ER. My favorite was prescribing dolobid (an NSAID legitimately indicated for, among other things, eye pain). If you muttered the name as you handed them the folded prescription, they thought they were getting what they wanted and left the ER happy as a clam… at least until they got to the pharmacy. :-)

  77. The 5 v 10 I agree with; however, I actually have had reactions to some name brands that contain dyes. I recently changed pharmacies and they use a different manufacturer of a drug I take daily. I can tell a HUGE difference in the same drug, same level–just different manufacturers.

  85. He’ll no . What are they talking about . If someone needs that medication then they truly need to be in the hospital. I think this is er doctor just doing whatever they want kinda pathetic and
    unprofessional

  86. He’ll no . What are they talking about . If someone needs that medication then they truly need to be in the hospital. I think this is er doctor just doing whatever they want kinda pathetic and
    unprofessional

  107. Lol! Thank God for Press Ganey!! Without there diligent work none of this would be possible. I’d still be listening to BS stories about 12/10 pain and adding new terms to my vocabulary.

  124. Since when can we “wash” our hands of ethics. Aren’t we putting cost over principle. Addicts have manipulated health care too much as it is. Currently, people with legitimate pain have to wait until the results of a piss test come back before they are treated (because of addicts who manipulate the professionals time). If you want to cut cost, why not stop all the testing just to “cover your a**”.

  128. That’s why I loved working EMS. No Dilly on the bambulance and when they ask for narcotics…”sorry I can’t. If I gave you pain meds they wouldn’t be able to diagnose you properly at the hospital”. Then pawn them off on the ED! Hahahaha

  131. What if they followed the “need a penny take a penny, have a penny give a penny” philosophy of that plastic dish next to all gas station cash registers. Except replace “penny” with “Percocet”

  140. Wow maybe I’ll get fewer of those patient nastygrams that say I’m rude and unprofessional when I don’t dole out narcotics… Do you think we could throw in some antibiotics for the younger set? No point in Mum and Dad feeling chipper if Junior has a cold… Just sayin’… I feel my patient satisfaction going up already…

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