ROME, ITALY – Cupid, the chubby Roman god of love and all of its variations, has been unusually off-target this Valentine’s Day and is overwhelming emergency departments (EDs) and operating rooms (ORs) worldwide with wounds and injuries mostly the result of massive penetrating trauma from his misguided arrows.
“GAUZE, WE NEED MORE GAUZE!!!” screamed frantic ED nurse Chrissy Pierce, covered in bloodstains. “GLOVES, WE ALSO NEED MORE GLOVES!!!”
“It’s a bloodbath, an absolute bloodbath,” remarked horrified ED physician Lance Spikes, barely audible over the groans of thousands of wounded ill-fated lovers. “Cupid’s got some explaining to do.”
Cupid has been making his mark on Valentine’s Day for centuries. He has always been armed with a bow & arrow since love hurts and a torch & flame since love burns. Often the marksman, Cupid aims for the buttocks and causes two people to fall in love. But this year Cupid has been off the mark. For the first time, Cupid has shown that love impales and love exsanguinates.
The stories are numerous.
Mary Harpoon was on a date with “really great guy” Ryan Dart when one of Cupid’s arrows hit Dart in the left jugular, bringing their dinner to an early end. Dart underwent emergent surgery and is currently in critical condition.
Then there is Lauren Spears, who was also shot by Cupid’s arrow. Instead of uncontrollable desire, Spears experienced uncontrollable bleeding. Surgeons were able to repair her severed left brachial artery and her hemoglobin is stable after ten units of blood.
The heavy majority of star-crossed Romeos & Juliets were injured with arrows. Todd Scorch is one of a few who sustained a severe burn injury.
“I had this fire in my loins,” explained Scorch, who is recovering from second- and third-degree burns but is in remarkably good spirits. “That’s when I noticed Cupid was torching my scrotum and that’s how I ended up here.”
John Cherub, a world-renowned expert in penetrating traumas due to flying babies, says this was inevitable. “First, Cupid is naked in the middle of winter, so shivering is a factor,” he explains. “Second, he flies around blindfolded and that can really impair your vision when you’re firing weapons. Lastly, he’s a minor. This is also the result of poor parenting.”
“Nonsense, I’m a wonderful parent,” insisted Venus, the goddess of love and sex and Cupid’s mother and legal guardian, as she stood nude on a seashell. “Just ask any of my many immortal or mortal lovers and they’ll agree.”
Though there is no end in sight with Stupid Cupid still on the loose, the events of the day have led many to closely examine their own personal love lives.
“Does love conquer all?” asked trauma surgeon Karen Hart, who has been operating all night long to the sounds of Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” and enjoying every second of it. “Yes, but love can also really f*ck some sh*t up.”
