DALLAS, TX – DOA Hospital group in Frisco, Texas unveiled a new initiative in partnership with Wolfgang Puck to provide “therapeutic gastronomy” for ED patients at their hospitals. These turkey-based sandwiches will combine mood-improving pharmaceuticals and the highest quality ingredients selected by Mr. Puck himself.
“We are excited about this initiative,” mumbled a spokeswoman for the hospital chain while scarfing down a sandwich. “We foresee this taking our quality of patient care to the next level.”
Chef Puck’s personal favorite is a turkey sandwich served with goat cheese spread imbued with crushed Percocet tablets, called “Turkocet.” One out of 10 of these offerings will come with a wrapper that could also be used as a work excuse.
Some other examples of turkey sandwiches in Chef Puck’s line will include a classic organic, free-range turkey preparation marinated in a balsamic vinegar, raspberry, and Valium glaze served on Kaiser rolls imported daily from Munich Germany. A turkey, Swiss cheese, and avocado French dip with pesticide-free arugula, pickled daikon radish, and a “Ritalin au jus” will also be on the menu.
Future endeavors will involve a dessert line and a soup course featuring Chef Puck’s famous Dilaudid gazpacho or “Gazpachomorphone.”
In an unrelated story, DOA hospitals later this week will announce mass layoffs of nurses, doctors, housekeeping personnel, and a decrease in capital expenditures previously earmarked to replace the malfunctioning autoclave. Despite this, DOA states that they expect Press Ganey scores to triple within a week thanks to the new initiative. They also expect non-emergent ED visits to double around lunchtime for the foreseeable future.
He’d poop on it if there was snow outside too
chux would write a pres ganey survey in crayon and pee in it before he mailed it
Chux wants a turkey sandwich!
Turk-ocet sandwiches will increase the number of hungry drug seekers, but watch the patient satisfaction scores soar!
This site is too funny
haha Alicia Diaz – its the turkey sandwiches!!!!
Tiffancy, Kimber, Jessica, Danielle, Leila, Hubert, Robert, Krystal, Gihan, Mike, Ashley, Mike, Ashley, Bobby, Shelly, Shelby, Melinda, Eldon, Shaughn, Kaelen, Vanessa, Emily, Kristen, Link.. We can all relate!
“…sandwich served with a goat cheese spread imbued with crushed Percocet tablets, called “Turkocet.” One out of 10 of these offerings will come with a wrapper that could be also be used as a work excuse.” :D
Courtney Hubschmann
True story, witnessed last night. A cop sharing the ED turkey sandwich with the inmate he brought in. Faith in humanity restored.
I could use the dilauded sandwich right about now. LOL
Stand in line…
Turckocet coma and still claiming 10/10 pain
Sounds about right.
LMAO
Clearly!!! They need Peters advice STAT!!
Candice Phelps and Pamela Hetrick, they clearly haven’t tried the bubble packs on L and D!!!
Wait, I think this isn’t as far from the truth as possible. . . there is a Kaiser hospital out west that has a gourmet chef designing the meals. I had read about it in a surgery journal. I’m dead serious- the writer, a surgeon, was shaking his head at his NPO patient for surgery who was annoyed s/he couldn’t try the cuisine.
Where’s the Turkocete (turkey + Percocet) sandwich combo that I’ve been pushing?
This is the worst post ever! Love it!
Hilarious
People checking in to the ED for a taste of something….. I don’t think that’s happened before.
That should drive up scores!
I don’t think he ever made any of the sandwiches I ate… :)
or fresh goat’s milk to be given upon mother’s request for newborns mother do not want to breast feed. goats must be cared for by RN’s staffing normal nursery and milked on request
Anna Ellyson Clark, bringing back any memories?
Perfectly written! This is why I keep reading Gomerblog!
Now that is giving them the pickle! Thanks, Ritz-Carlton for all that training!!
Katie Duke
Linda
I can’t get enough of the turkey sandwich bit. Could you write something about gourmet organic non GMO sugar free applesauce for giving pills?
Don’t give them any ideas!
Devin Mone
Erin Perkins
It’ll be the best slick turkey around!!
Oh Gomerblog, I so love you!