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code placement

AUSTIN, TX – In breaking news, GomerBlog has received word of a dramatic “Code Placement” captured on tape on Unit 4E at Austin Medical Center yesterday afternoon.  In this chilling transcript below, a heroic multidisciplinary team of health care practitioners risks it all to place the incredibly stable patient Martha Lockhart in a rehabilitation facility.

Nurse (RN) Brad Franklin:
(Intense.)  Dr. Black, I think you need to see this.  (RN Franklin passes the patient’s chart to Dr. Black.)

Doctor (MD) Alissa Black:
(Glancing over chart, tense and worried.)  Damn it, this isn’t good.  Not good at all.

RN Franklin:
I know, I know.

MD Black:
(Slams the chart down.)  You mean to tell me she’s been waiting on placement for a week now?!  How are her vitals?  NOW!  What are her vitals?

RN Franklin:
(Fumbling through his papers.)  Afebrile.  Vital signs: blood pressure 120/74, heart rate 75, respiratory rate 16, and oxygen saturation 99% on room air.

MD Black:
I knew it!  Brad, great catch.  Call a code!  And d/c vital signs, STAT!

The code is called overheard: “Code Placement, Room 4E16.  Code Placement, Room 4E16.”  Seconds later, additional help appears in the form of social services (SW), physical therapy (PT), occupational therapy (OT), and speech therapy (ST).

Physical Therapist (PT) Paul Terrys:
Oh no, not again, Mrs. Lockhart!  Don’t do this to me now!  Alissa, you need a quick assessment?

MD Black:
Yes, please, thank you!  (PT & OT perform a rapid assessment.)  How is she?

PT Terrys & Occupational Therapist (OT) Angela Snow:
(Together.)  Not good.

OT Snow:
Yeah, she’s not progressing as we would like.  We thought acute rehab, but this looks more like subacute rehab.

PT Terrys:
I agree.

MD Black:
(Slightly flustered.)  Wow, didn’t see that coming.  (Towards SW.)  How are the referrals?  Can you detect any open beds?

Social Worker (SW) Lindsey Gourdough:
(On the phone.)  I have a faint pulse on Our Lady of Perpetual Placement…

RN Franklin:
(Towards SW.)  Don’t lose that pulse!  (Towards PT & OT.)  Don’t let up on the exercises!  Keep going for another cycle until we say stop.

Speech Therapist (ST) Jeff Cousins:
Guys, what can I do to help?  Anything?

RN Franklin:
Her speech and swallowing are fine.  Remember?  You signed off last week.  Thank you for coming, though!  We got this.  (ST exits.)

Patient Lockhart:
(Pleasant and smiling.)  I’m hungry…

MD Black:
Damn it, she’s hungry!  Where’s the nutritionist?  Get this poor lady a biscuit!  (Dining services rushes in to deliver a warm biscuit, much the delight of Mrs. Lockhart.)  Strong work!  (Towards SW.)  Time is of the essence!  Have you got anything?!  Anything at all?!  (SW shakes her head, “No.”  Twenty long, nerve-wracking seconds pass.)  Okay, okay, hold PT/OT.  What’s the referral status?

SW Gourdough:
(Giving a thumbs up.)  We’ve got a bed!

Everyone:
YES!

SW Gourdough:
But waiting on insurance authorization.

Everyone:
(Deflated.)  Ohhh…

MD Black:
(Towards RN.)  Brad, those last vitals were stable, right?

RN Franklin:
Yes.  And I stopped checking them.  No more abnormal findings.

MD Black:
Perfect.  Labs, did we d/c those too?

RN Franklin:
Yes, normal and d/c’d!

MD Black:
All right!  (Pleading with SW.)  Lindsey, this is our window of opportunity!  She’s stable.  Who knows how long she’ll stay like this.  This is no joke.  We need a bed and we need it now!  Otherwise she’ll be here forever…

SW Gourdough:
(Excited.)  She’s been approved!

The entire team cheers, with high-fives going all around.

MD Black:
(Screaming over the cheers.)  Calm down, guys, calm down!  We’re not out of the woods yet.  Transfer of care forms?

SW Gourdough:
Check!

MD Black:
Transportation?

SW Gourdough:
Check!

MD Black:
Med rec?  (Everyone looks at each other with blank stares.  Ten seconds of silence.)  Guys, we need a med rec!  I did it last week, someone print it!  (Bodies scurry to find a free computer.  A minute later, a med rec is handed to SW.)  BAM!  Lindsey, can I write a discharge order?

SW Gourdough:
Yes!

Dr. Black writes a discharge order and within seconds an ambulance crew arrives and gets Mrs. Lockhart ready to go to rehab.

RN Franklin:
(Everyone is cheering, congratulating one another.)  BRAVO!  Great job, everyone!  Dr. Black, do you want to call it?

MD Black:
Time of placement: 2:45 PM.  Thanks everyone!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!  Solid, solid work!

End transcript.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.