SEATTLE, WA – Seattle Memorial Hospital has dramatically reduced their rates of post-operative ileus and opioid-induced constipation by requiring that all patient bowel regimens include a daily tall Sixbucks coffee, dosed either PO or via an NG tube. Sixbucks, the Seattle-based coffee behemoth named after the average price of its specialty beverages, is delighted to be part of the new therapy, while hospital administrators are stunned that the most powerful cathartic known to man was hidden in plain sight, on every block in every city in the United States of America.
Dr. Richard Stueller, the Chairman of Gastroenterology at Seattle Memorial and mastermind of the program, was elated by the early results. Dr. Stueller explains, “The café-colic reflex is one of the most elegant systems of human physiology and has been described in the medical literature since the days of Hippocrates. The pro-motile force seen with coffee, is particularly powerful and only increases with the price of the cup. This is evident by the fact bathrooms in Sixbucks are almost perpetually either in use or out of order. I was actually waiting in line for the bathroom when the idea hit me!”
Sixbucks is also stands to profit immensely from their new wonder-laxative. They have pushed their coffee back through the FDA and will be rebranding it Excreta. Though already preposterously expensive at 2 dollars per cup, the new price of Excreta will be roughly $1,000 per tall serving and will not be covered by most insurance plans.
This exciting new initiative is the biggest change in bowel practice in the past 30 years. Up until now, the mainstays of defecation encouragement have been senna and Colace, which have proven to be prescribed mainly so that nurses can page the on-call resident at 3 a.m. with questions about their ordering or administration. With the introduction of Excreta one Seattle hospital can proudly say that they have moved on from the scourge of constipation.
In unrelated news, cases of patient profuse sweating and atrial fibrillation at Seattle Memorial are up 300%.
