CALIFORNIA – As a result of a statewide shortage of the popular IV opioid pain medication, Dilaudid, a mass emigration of people away from the disaster-stricken state of California has apparently occurred over the past several weeks.  This temporary supply chain snafu has evidently done more to reduce the population of this unfortunate state than a number of other very serious challenges the state has had to deal with lately.

38714767_mThe origin of the Dilaudid shortage occurred 6 weeks ago when a Purdue Pharmaceuticals truck carrying the whole state’s 3-month Dilaudid supply overturned while driving across I-80 near Cheyenne, Wyoming.  The truck was on its way from their manufacturing plant in New Jersey to the state’s distribution center in Sacramento.  This accident irreparably damaged the cargo, which was then looted by drug seekers, which, in turn, led to a 50% decrease in ED visits in the entire state of Wyoming for the subsequent week.

“When we looked at the data, it was remarkable,” quoted California Governor Jerry Brown.  “Our state actually lost 6% of our population in one month attributed entirely to the Dilaudid shortage!  This is after so many other problems that the state has dealt with over the past several years had no net effect on our population.  We controlled for variables such as the state’s recent water restrictions, high income tax rates, pollution, housing costs, and our snarling road traffic.  It turns out none of these factors had any affect at all on emigration patterns.  However, when the Dilaudid shortage was factored in, this was found to completely explain the 6% population decrease!”

Incredibly, the mass migration of people out of the state has evidently helped improve some of the state’s other seemingly intractable problems.  Ambulance traffic is down 15%, car pollution and emissions down 10%, and the subsequent decrease in traffic has completely fixed the daily backups on I-405 in Los Angeles.  Also, water consumption has decreased by 7%, prompting Governor Brown to issue a declaration that people can start flooding their lawns again and begin installing artificial Dilaudid springs once supply resumes.

Milli of Dilli
After picking up the basics of medicine by watching TV shows, I moved to LA, forged a medical school diploma, and somehow found some success in the late 80’s as an event physician for major Hollywood events. However, it all came crashing down while working the 1990 Grammy awards. While “Girl You Know it’s True” was being played live, a stagehand went into cardiac arrest and I was called upon to help. Unfortunately, as I tried to lip-sync CPR instructions, the speaker on my cassette player stopped working and I was exposed for a fraud. After serving time in prison, I went to medical school and residency and I finished training to become an Emergency Medicine physician. Instead of using this training and knowledge for good, I decided to abuse it to become a professional drug seeker. Armed with advanced medical knowledge, my quest remains to go from ED to ED searching out the drug seeker’s Holy Grail: syringes filled with 1mg of hydromorphone, the so-called “Milli of Dilli.” While I am not drug seeking, I have decided to write medical satire posing as a typical First World emergency physician. My website, with my other satirical articles that did not make it into Gomerblog, can be found at and my twitter handle is @firstworldem