CALIFORNIA – As a result of a statewide shortage of the popular IV opioid pain medication, Dilaudid, a mass emigration of people away from the disaster-stricken state of California has apparently occurred over the past several weeks. This temporary supply chain snafu has evidently done more to reduce the population of this unfortunate state than a number of other very serious challenges the state has had to deal with lately.
The origin of the Dilaudid shortage occurred 6 weeks ago when a Purdue Pharmaceuticals truck carrying the whole state’s 3-month Dilaudid supply overturned while driving across I-80 near Cheyenne, Wyoming. The truck was on its way from their manufacturing plant in New Jersey to the state’s distribution center in Sacramento. This accident irreparably damaged the cargo, which was then looted by drug seekers, which, in turn, led to a 50% decrease in ED visits in the entire state of Wyoming for the subsequent week.
“When we looked at the data, it was remarkable,” quoted California Governor Jerry Brown. “Our state actually lost 6% of our population in one month attributed entirely to the Dilaudid shortage! This is after so many other problems that the state has dealt with over the past several years had no net effect on our population. We controlled for variables such as the state’s recent water restrictions, high income tax rates, pollution, housing costs, and our snarling road traffic. It turns out none of these factors had any affect at all on emigration patterns. However, when the Dilaudid shortage was factored in, this was found to completely explain the 6% population decrease!”
Incredibly, the mass migration of people out of the state has evidently helped improve some of the state’s other seemingly intractable problems. Ambulance traffic is down 15%, car pollution and emissions down 10%, and the subsequent decrease in traffic has completely fixed the daily backups on I-405 in Los Angeles. Also, water consumption has decreased by 7%, prompting Governor Brown to issue a declaration that people can start flooding their lawns again and begin installing artificial Dilaudid springs once supply resumes.