Do you remember your constellations, in particular the 12 symptoms of the medical zodiac? Bust out your telescopes, find your closest clear night sky, and let’s review!
ANGINA – The stars spell A as in angina, but also depict a widened QRS complex or, some say, an ST elevation.
MYALGIA – If you look closely, the stars depict a person spazzing out, leading to myalgias and possibly a little rhabdomyolysis.
CONSTIPATION – Can you feel the strain in this stick figure, trying to have a stellar bowel movement? He’s been trying to go for light years!
MALAISE – You need to use your imagination here: the astrological stick figure is passed out in bed, belly down, head and torso hanging over the right edge.
DIPLOPIA – On some nights, you may see this constellation’s duplicate.
DYSURIA – The stars depict a penis or vagina in agony depending on how you look at it.
POLYURIA – A male stick figure forever standing at a urinal, urinating yet again.
DYSPNEA – The stars outline a lung without obvious acute process but a dedicated CT is recommended.
PRURITIS – The stars depict a stick figure flailing about, driven wild by his or her intense itching and need for IV Benadryl.
DIARRHEA – The stars depict a threatening bacterium or parasite, ready to wreak intestinal havoc.
PODAGRA – An outline of one’s right foot, with the brightest star at the point of maximum tenderness to palpation.
PALLOR – The stars depict the four subunits of hemoglobin.