PALO ALTO, CA – Google has started to roll out their self-driving colonoscopies. “We are very excited about this new technology,” said CEO Sundar Pichai. “Our self-driving colonoscopy drones have been sent out to millions of homes nationwide. We expect to have everyone’s colon mapped by 2019.”
Google will be able to take someone’s search history and determine the best time to perform the colonoscopy. “People have natural bowel preps all the time,” said Doug Fluggle, head of Google’s colonoscopy division. “The colonoscopy drone will be triggered by people’s search terms such as: Will this diarrhea ever stop? or Treatments for sh*tting my brains out, as well as location history. For example, if a person stops at Starbucks and then a Mexican restaurant they may get scoped that night.”
Some patient advocacy groups are complaining that this is a breach of patient autonomy and privacy. Google responded: “People who use Google services have already agreed to routine colonoscopies as per our Terms and Conditions agreement. We only scope the people that have clicked Accept, which is virtually everyone in America.”
“I was at the store buying heaps of Imodium and Pepto-Bismol,” Daniel Wisk told reporters. “When my Google wallet was declined! I knew I was getting scoped that night for sure.”
Google drones are not licensed to treat patients, yet. In time they put gastroenterologists out of business. Until then Google will inform people about their polyps by suggesting to see a gastroenterologist or information about colon cancer in their search engine:
Many people are getting the routine medical care at no cost. “This is great!” said uninsured patient Carl Rice. “I saved $800 and I know I have a clean colon. Thanks Google, see you again in 5-to-10 years!”
