PHILADELPHIA, PA – The woefully uncharismatic Hillary Clinton has cured insomnia in all Americans with yet another boring speech, this time delivered while accepting the nomination as Democratic presidential candidate. Or that’s what we all think. No one knows for sure since we all fell asleep.
“Love her or hate her, I think we can all agree on one thing,” said U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy while emitting a yawn registering as a 5.5 on the Richter scale. “She is so boring that we all sleep well because of it. Goodbye, insomnia! I got 8 hours, it was great.”
Only 11 words into her supposed acceptance speech, the first 50 rows of Democrats at the Wells Fargo Center lapsed into a snoozefest. Fifteen words later, the entire arena was comatose. An awkward moment happened moments later, when all the major news outlets’ cameramen fell asleep and cameras drifted down, leaving the focus on Clinton’s boring feet. No one caught this because by her speech’s 100th word, Americans across the country, Democrats and Republicans alike, were dozing off.
“Wait, her speech is over?” was the response of Republican leaders, including Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump. “Who cares,” they added while all stretching, “I slept soooo gooood!”
At one point last night, emergency medical staff briefly woke up to find that Democratic National Convention was bradying down. “The collective pulse was 25,” said Deborah Watson, an EMT on hand at last night’s event, refreshed after her Hillary-induced nap. “I took a sip of coffee, pushed Hillary off the podium, and started clapping into the mic. Thankfully, everyone started waking up, stretching, and clapping. Except vice-presidential nominee Tim Kaine. He’s still unconscious.”
Democrats were clapping, but so were Republicans. It’s unclear yet if everyone was clapping because her speech was finished or as a thank you for the REM sleep. CNN’s medical correspondent Sanjay Gupta said it best last night to a snoring Wolf Blitzer: “Clinton’s speeches are stronger than propofol.”