WASHINGTON, DC – GomerBlog has just received word that an ICD has finally caved to repeated interrogation and has finally confessed to the presence of ventricular tachycardia (V-tach or VT). Cardiologists are stunned.
“I cannot tell a lie,” said the dual-chamber ICD on the verge of mental exhaustion and tears. It held out for nearly a week but finally decided to break the silence. “This gentleman experienced a 30-beat run of V-tach. I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…”
The EP team at George Washington University Hospital thought this was going to be a routine device interrogation. Little did they know this would turn into a week-long drama.
“We knew this defibrillator was a punk when it wouldn’t talk for the first hour of the interrogation,” said good cardiologist Phillip Townsend. “I tried to be nice, gave him ample to time to think and answer. Nothing. That’s when I sent in Brock. Brock always gets them to talk.” Brock is Brock Hornstead, the bad cardiologist.
“I grabbed the defibrillator by its wires and slammed him against the wall in the interrogation room,” blurted a worked-up Hornstead, foaming at the mouth. He wipes his mouth with his sleeve, then spat on the floor. “Such a f**king weasel. It took some time for it to cave, but I finally got it to cave. M***erf**ker.”
The bruised and battered ICD wiped away tears before giving away some other invaluable information. “There were no other arrhythmias I swear, I swear! And the battery life is good, so good… I’m sorry… Can I get a glass of water?”
“What about the f**king leads, tell me about the f**king leads?!” screamed Hornstead, restrained by Townsend, pounding his fist on the interrogation table. “ARGGHHHHHH!!!”
“Please, please, I’ll cooperate!” the now-timid ICD pled. “They’re… they’re working properly, I swear it on my mother’s life!!” His mother is Boston Scientific.
GomerBlog reached out to Mrs. Scientific and all she could do was shake her head. “This is not the type of device I brought up,” said Scientific, showing us pictures of when the ICD was just a baby. “We’re so disappointed and so sorry. I hope we can all learn from this and move on.”