WASHINGTON, D.C. – Medicine will be changed forever after yesterday’s ruling allowing online medical symptom checker sites, including Dr. Google, to prescribe medications.
“We plan to cut out the middle doctor in medicine, that being physicians who went to medical school,” a statement read from Dr. Google executives. “Why waste time driving to an office building, subjecting yourself to horrendous wait times just to be poked and prodded, when you can get the same treatment online.”
Google has pitted its massive computer server named “Dr. Google” against real medical physicians and 99.87% of the time Dr. Google was able to reach a diagnosis within seconds where real doctors were still trying to load an EHR record.
Patients will be able to search their symptoms online and if their symptoms match a diagnosis, a prescription can be generated and printed out immediately.
“What an amazing service!” proclaimed a patient with IP address 124.56.9876. “I was able to obtain antibiotics for this cough and runny nose that I’ve had for 2 hours. Otherwise I would have had to make an appointment, waste 1 hour of my life just to have the “doctor” tell me it was probably a virus. Now I can bypass all of that with Dr. Google!”
Another patient who described having the absolute worst paper cut in the “entire universe” was able to get Vicodin almost immediately for her 10/10 pain. “That never would have happened at my local ER.”
When questioned by the FDA on the accuracy of the Google diagnosis from patient inputs, executives had this to say: “Sure, our accuracy may be off some of the time, but what is important is that the patients think they are treating a condition that they have. The healing power of the brain is simply incredible and we plan to take full advantage of that with our service.”
Future projects include automatic prescription filling to Walgreens followed by drone delivery, thus allowing uninterrupted watching of Game of Thrones on the sofa.