ATLANTA, GA – The Center for Disease Control has issued a very clear warning: Do not date or interact with any men with man buns because they harbor the lethal Zika virus. Above all, it is pertinent that women do not have intercourse with men with man buns no matter how alluring they may seem.
Said head of research Jim Barkley, “The man bun has a unique ability to harbor Zika due to its propensity to retain sweat and dirt.” The Aedes albopictus mosquito in particular has a tendency to live in the buns. Upon obtaining further data, it is evident the mosquitoes can actually lay eggs in the buns. Even the smaller baby buns can be lethal.
If it is absolutely essential to interact with a man who possesses a man bun, it is crucial to wear mosquito repellent and stand an adequate distance away from the man with the man bun. It is preferable to wear a mesh screen to prevent further contact.
The hipsters are the largest demographic affected. They can be found at Urban Outfitters, the fashion and music industries. The hipsters are furious with the warning believing it has no merit and that they are being penalized for being original. Said Hipster Fletcher Jones, “I believe the CDC is victimizing us because we are an unprotected group.”
When approached, hipsters will deny they’re hipsters making avoiding them particularly difficult. People must be aware of the signs and symptoms of these hipsters to protect themselves. These include excessively tight jeans, obscure music taste and a penchant for Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.
Man bun groupie Vicki Winter said she feels terribly guilty for falling for philosophical conversation and vinyl music with one of the man buns. “He just seemed so deep,” said Vicki. “And now I have Zika to prove it.”
