WILLIAMSBURG, NY – Hipster Fletcher Jones was admitted to the emergency room last night with numbness and tingling around the groin. The incident occurred after riding his fixed-gear bike around Brooklyn. When Dr. Randy Goldberg was finally able to peel away the hipster’s skin-tight Urban Outfitter jeans, it became apparent that something was terribly wrong.
The left half of Fletcher Jones’s scrotum was alarmingly shriveled and a deeply concerning shade of grayish purple. It was ice cold to the touch.
After asking pertinent questions like “Does gout run in your family and does your great grandmother have diabetes?” the doctor was very concerned. Once a heart murmur was discovered, the Dr. Goldberg grew very quiet and said, “Let’s get down to business.”
Dr. Goldberg picked up his scalpel and sterile gloves, preparing to cut the withered left testicle off. As it dangled sadly, both he and Fletcher Jones knew it simply could not be salvaged. Fletcher Jones distracted himself from the pain and horror by softly humming his favorite Arctic Monkey’s song.
As the testicle dropped into the plastic pink basin on the floor with a “plunking” finality, Fletcher Jones shed a few tears. Dr. Goldberg assured Fletcher that he could still woo women with his incomprehensible poetry and impeccable vinyl music taste.
Stated Fletcher Jones, “The pressure was too great to look counterculture. My jeans needed to be tighter than the next hipster.”
On the bright side, Fletcher Jones has already begun the search for an even tighter pair of jeans. He declared excitedly, “I may be able to go down another size or even TWO now that I don’t have to find space for an extra testicle!”
