“It’s common for drunk people to end up in the emergency room late at night for no other reason than ‘sleeping it off,'” explained DRUNKbnb spokesperson Steven A. Jagoff. “In fact, many emergency departments have exam rooms dedicated to housing intoxicated individuals overnight. Hospitals lose millions of dollars every year housing these patients, who either have no insurance or have lost their wallet after falling into some bushes.” He went on to say that DRUNKbnb is an effective solution that benefits not only drunk Americans, but also the financial interests of emergency rooms everywhere.
The DRUNKbnb app is simple. Once the drunk suspects a trip to the emergency room is in their future, they simply smash their palm against their phone, which activates the DRUNKbnb app. Then, all the drunk has to do is speak incoherently into the phone. They can say anything. The app recognizes everything from guttural monosyllabic noises to run-of-the-mill slurred speech.
Once the app determines the individual to be adequately blitzed, an ambulance is notified and sent to the drunk’s location. For those bombed out individuals who can’t be trusted to keep their phone on hand, the app comes with a roll of duct tape to securely attach the phone to any body part of the person’s choosing.
Upon arrival to the ED, an exam room will be prepared and fully equipped with a banana bag, a bedside urinal, and an angry nurse that will see to almost none of the intoxicated patient’s needs. After determining the plastered idiot won’t aspirate and end up in the ICU, a turkey sandwich, Lay’s baked potato chips, and a pickle will be supplied. The patient will then leave the ED in the morning and receive an automatic credit card charge of $10,000.
Hospital administrators are excited about the DRUNKbnb app. “This is a great service for the men and women everywhere who will be losing all self-control and possibly continence later tonight,” announced Ken Kearns, administrator at nearby Mercy Hospital. “Aaaaand we’re gonna make a lot of money off these drunkies.”