BOCA RATON, FL – Area pathologist Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram was informed by Madre De Díos Hospital CEO Chaz Moneybags that his pay will be cut by 50% due to a scathing patient satisfaction survey filled out by a pathology slide. Furthermore, if the doctor does not receive a favorable satisfaction survey from another pathology slide by the end of the quarter, he will be subject to termination with cause.
“In health care administration, we are always taught to emphasize arbitrary metrics with our goal of keeping the customer satisfied,” said CEO Chaz Moneybags. “If this strategy somehow improves outcomes, that’ll just be icing on the cake. But our priority is to put a smile on the customer’s face!”
The medical staff office has released the savage satisfaction survey to Gomerblog. The pathology slide checked off “Strongly Disagree” in every single category, and wrote-in the following complaints on the final comments section:
- The pathologist’s hands were too cold.
- I can’t understand Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram with that accent.
- The room was too cold.
- I ordered a ham sandwich but the nurse brought me a turkey sandwich instead.
- The room was too hot.
- Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram kept staring at me. It was totally creepy. He made me feel like I was under a microscope.
Gomerblog has been unable to reach the pathology slide for a formal comment. However, when Gomerblog contacted the embattled pathologist by telephone, he remarked, “I don’t even understand how an inanimate piece of glass can fill out a survey. It makes no sense. Despite never having physically interacted with a patient during my entire career, I’ve also received an anonymous 2 [out of 5] star rating on a physician-rating website! Now I have to fight to clear my name with hospital administration!”
At press time, Gomerblog has learned that Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram has been served with a malpractice lawsuit which lists the disgruntled pathology slide as the plaintiff.