Grand Rounds

LOS ANGELES, CA – Earlier this morning vascular surgeon Dr. Emma Wexler gave Grand Rounds to her fellow colleagues at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.  Unfortunately for her and everyone in attendance, her Grand Rounds weren’t particularly grand.  In fact, call it for what it was: a total abomination.

Grand Rounds
Colleagues desperately checking Facebook, Instagram to stay… Zzzzzzzzzz…

“Oh yeah, I struck out big time, big time,” Wexler acquiesced, stating that she was even close to falling asleep and she was the one giving the talk.  She made several poor decisions, such as using small-fonted text, reading off of all the PowerPoint slides, and failing to include any pictures or images of cute children or small furry animals.  “Grand Rounds should be just that: GRAND.  Mine?  PITIFUL.”

Thankfully, by a miracle of God or some other divine intervention, the Grand Rounds wrapped up a few minutes earlier than expected, saving those unconscious in the crowd from intubation for airway protection.

Shortly after the presentation, Wexler went through the surveys filled by her colleagues that weren’t crumbled up and aimed at her head in disappointment.  95% of those surveyed described her performance negatively.  Comments included: “Yawnfest 2017,” “Grand Rounds?  More like Bland Rounds,” “Wait for it… And I’m in asystole,” and “This is worse than a talk by a med student.”  The other 5% of the surveys had no comments, but only bloodstains at the edges which were most likely an attempt by people to slit their own wrists.

“These rounds are supposed to be grand, magnificent!” pleaded neurologist Tomas Garcia.  “The field was Vascular Surgery today.  I was hoping for exploding AAAs, maybe even some brachial arteries on fire!  But no.  None of that.  What did we get instead?  A talk on ankle-brachial index.  F**k my life.”

Health care professionals are demoralized but hope for better luck with next week’s Grand Rounds to be given by esteemed orthopedic surgeon Brock Hammersley.  His topic is “Are Boners Bones?  A Review of the Evidence.”



  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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