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surgical management
“Not bad for an internist’s first femur repair…”

BIRMINGHAM, AL – In an act that most definitely crosses the line, orthopedic surgeon Brock Hammersley has consulted Medicine for surgical management of a comminuted left femoral neck fracture.

“The way I see it, Medicine is always on board with our patients, it doesn’t matter if they don’t have any medical problems,” reasons Hammersley to Gomerblog.  “I think it’s time for Medicine to step up and finally start fixing some bones.”

Many orthopedic surgeons agree with Hammersley, stating that “Medicine folk” understand patients better than they ever can.  They even know things like the patient’s name and room number.  The only names an orthopod knows are the names of bones and occasional muscles, such as the pecs, biceps, and triceps.  For that reason, Medicine needs to take the next step and really own an orthopedic patient.

“If Medicine really wants to take care of the whole patient,” continued Hammersley, “then they gotta start learning how to place intramedullary nails or external fixators.  Why?  Because bones are people too.  That doesn’t make sense, wait… Well, you know what I mean.  So what’s the only way for these Medicine guys to learn?  That’s right, to start managing orthopedic issues themselves.”

Gomerblog asked Hammersley why Medicine should fix broken bones, isn’t that the purpose of the orthopedic field?  Hammersley smiled.  “Did you know there’s 206 bones in the human body?” he replied.  “That’s a lot of bones.  Someone’s gotta count them.”

Though the majority of internists and hospitalists disagree with Hammersley and his colleagues, one internist did sort of understand their point.

“Just think about it: not only would I be the primary and do the preoperative evaluation before surgery, but then I’d get to do the surgery myself,” stated internist Rachel O’Malley.  “Talk about some outstanding continuity of care.  When you think about it that way, we should always be consulted for surgical management.”

Shortly after making her statement, O’Malley was released by Medicine, calling her “shameful” and telling her never to speak them again.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.